The 2 most toxic aspect of ADD that you never hear about…
Monday, October 23, 2023. This is for my new clients, D & L., whose struggle with ADD in their marriage does NOT involve these particular deficits…
Untreated Adult ADD is an incredibly challenging dynamic in a modern marriage.
While the distractibility, impulsivity, and short attention span are the hallmarks of this disorder, according to celebrated psychiatrist, and outstanding capitalist, Dr. Daniel Amen, there are 2 incredibly destructive dynamics that simply don’t get enough attention.
Here’s the first. Some humans who struggle with ADD occassionally pick fights with their partners as a way of stimulating their pre-frontal cortex.
Look, they don’t realize that they are doing it. They don’t plan to do it. And, when confronted, they will deny that they feel any urge to initiate a conflict.
Why do humans with ADD do this?
According to Dr. Amen, There is a problem for humans with ADD. A peaceful home is also an under-stimulating home.
The pre-frontal cortex of ADD craves stimulation, and becomes discomforted by a lack of activity. This feature is expressed in youth as hyper-activity, fidgety restlessness, rocking, and humming are all examples of self-stimulation.
But Dr. Amen is positing something quiet significant here. He says that there may be an unconscious process by which a stupid, bad idea gets lodged in the nervous system. And that idea is that if we can get our spouse to crank up the intensity, it will “turn our brain on.”
The intense stimulation of your partner’s frustration actually tends to focus the mind, however briefly.
This tendency to require intense stimulation can also turn in on itself…
And here is the second… Dr. Amen says that another form of self-stimulation is excessive worrying and problem-saturated thinking. It’s another example of how we unconsciously use our brains as a chemical factory, but not in a good way.
First, let’s define our terms. We need to make a distinction between worry and anxiety. Worry has a very specific target; one worries about something specific, something in particular
However, an anxiety is usually temporally loose. We’re anxious about the past, or the future, with no clear source, or direction. Both worry and anxiety grate on the nervous system, but anxiety is usually more oppressive, because the poor suffering human can’t point to a cause.
The utility of excessive worry and rumination on problems is not obvious. It’s not exactly an anxiety disorder, but it sure as hell resembles one.
What is actually happening is that the sleepy Pre-frontal cortex (PFC) gets perked up by the stress chemicals secreted when you focus on problems and obstacles.
Why picking fights and excessive worrying do more than kill marital health… they also corrode physical health as well…
As I mentioned in a recent post, many humans, for various reasons recruit anger for personal activation. The problem with that approach is that chronic emotional turmoil and negative emotion is highly damaging to the nervous system.
Approximately 25 to 40% of adults with ADHD also have a full blown anxiety disorder, perhaps because ADHD can give a person a sh*tload to worry about. ADHD often causes humans to lose track of time, cause a dust-up with a partner without intent, or provoke them to hyper-focus on a minor worry.
Problem saturated behavior produce high levels of adrenaline degrades the immune system, and increases vulnerability to chronic, inflammatory illness.
Adult ADD has been correlated not only with chronic infections, humans enduring ADD also see an increased incident of fibromyalgia.
Fibromyalgia (FM) is a central pain sensitivity syndrome manifesting as widespread chronic pain and tenderness with no evidence of soft tissue inflammation.
Best practices for managing the need to worry…
Never worry in solitude. Worrying in solitude leads a human to ruminate and disasterize. Get out of your dark hidey-hole. Talk with your spouse, or someone else who loves you.
Just the facts. Crippling worry becomes anxiety when it becomes unmoored from reality and present moment awareness. Don’t believe everything you read or hear.
Make a plan. When you have a plan, you feel more in control of the situation. Make plans together, and establish a system of functional benchmarks. Focus together on acquiring the skills required for better decision-making.
Final Thoughts…
Interpersonal conflict, anxiety, and rumination on problems have a utility for humans with adult ADD.
Humans with ADD are always striving to attain mental clarity and focus.
It’s common knowledge that the most engrossing physical sensation is pain. To a human dealing with ADD, worry and anxiety are the mental equivalents of physical pain.
Here is the problem for humans with ADD in intimate relationships. The more they experience peace and contentment, the more their minds become diffused and unfocused.
So they might scan their environment to discover some reliable source of concern and worry. Once a topic of worry has been recognized, the ADD mind seizes upon it, and it becomes a source of intrusive rumination for the balance of the day.
But the most destructive dynamic is the unconscious tendency to slide into conflict with a partner as a way of focusing the mind. Another variant of this is a deliberate tendency to embarrass and annoy for no good reason, except for the stimulation.
Amen points out that the ADD works on the brain in such a way that some humans with the affliction may manifest an unusual neurological condition called Witzelsucht, which is a neuro-psychiatric German idiom meaning “addicted to making bad jokes.” This odd and unusual symptom was first discovered in patients recovering from frontal lobe brain tumors on the right side.
I’ve seen Witzelsucht up close and personal. It’s like a masterclass in being annoying. I once knew a musician and language instructor with a scorching case of ADD who was addicted to telling the worst jokes imaginable. Visiting Ed and Andrea was a predictable groan-fest, because Ed would insist on entertaining with stories and music… in the most annoying possible manner.
Both humor and candor are essential at times like this.
One of the best ways to deal with it is to name it, own it, and call it out.
Humans with ADD need to acquire a deeper understanding and appreciation for the moments when they are particularly hard to deal with, and learn how to rein it in.
Be well. Stay kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
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Healing Anxiety and Depression Amen and Lisa C. Routh (2004) ISBN 0425198448
Making a Good Brain Great: The Amen Clinic Program for Achieving and Sustaining Optimal Mental Performance (2006) ISBN 9781400082094
Unchain Your Brain (2010) ISBN 9781886554382
The Amen Solution: The Brain Healthy Way to Get Thinner, Smarter, Happier (2011) ISBN 9780307463616
Unleash the Power of the Female Brain (2013) ISBN 9780307888945
Healing ADD Revised Edition: The Breakthrough Program that Allows You to See and Heal the 7 Types of ADD (2013) ISBN 9780425269978
Memory Rescue: Supercharge Your Brain, Reverse Memory Loss, and Remember What Matters Most (2017) ISBN 9781496425607
The Brain Warrior's Way: Ignite Your Energy and Focus, Attack Illness and Aging, Transform Pain into Purpose (2017) ISBN 9781101988480
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Rami Bou Khalil, Elie Khoury, Sami Richa, The Comorbidity of Fibromyalgia Syndrome and Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder from a Pathogenic Perspective, Pain Medicine, Volume 19, Issue 9, September 2018, Pages 1705–1709, https://doi.org/10.1093/pm/pny142
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