More therapy interventions for Neurodiverse Couples…
Tuesday, November 28, 2023.
The Heart Card Intervention & the Power of the Preface…
Once you’ve been working with neurodiverse couples for awhile, you’ll hear stories when the NT was in dire need of loving verbal expression, or a specific behavioral act, that there ND partner found impossible to satisfy at the time.
Ironically, it’s the very nature of these pressured events, or socially complicated and confusing situations, that tends to freeze the ND partner into either silence, masking, or withdrawal.
What is a Heart Card?
According to Kelli Murgado-Williams, a Heart Card can be a simple index card, or piece of paper with a hand drawn heart. The ND and NT partners are encouraged to infuse this ritual with a shared sense of significance and meaning.
The act of drawing a heart in the moment is another expression of this intervention. The ND partner’s Heart Card Effort is infused with a shred meaning of “I love you.. I am on your side…and yet I’m unable to do, or say anything more than produce this heart image at this present moment.”
What I appreciate about symbological interventions such as the Heart Card is that it is inherently elegant.
Elegance is when an intervention does multiple things at the same time. Elegant interventions are the difference between run of the mill couples therapy, and the science-based approaches.
The Heart Card Intervention does the following:
Breaks up an unhealthy pattern of potentially traumatic disconnection
The need for situational silence, and time to process, are validated, and therefore experience less interpersonal demand. Reducing the likelihood of PDA due to bandwidth depletion.
It is simple, easy to remember, and east to do. But it must be infused with shared meaning. As such, it is a powerful way to convey love, support, and especially compassion. All required by an NT nervous system at the moment.
The ND partner bestows significance upon this share ritual, and that helps keep them regulated, in connection with their partner.
Example of the Heart Card Intervention:
Two partners are having lunch at a restaurant after an emergency trip to the vet:
NT Partner:
Alex, Don’t you care that Freida died? She was the best cat ever! I’m crying my eyes out over here, and you’re just looking at me like you’re confused or something…
But Alex is ND, and is, at the moment, temporarily lost for words. But he draws a small heart on his napkin, and slides it toward his NT wife, Cara.
Cara knows the ritual.. her next move is to take a deep breath…and smile at Alex.
The Power of the Preface…
NT partners often prefer their information with an emotional filter. ND partners can be direct and blunt, creating a dynamic of meaningless suffering for both humans.
What I’ve always told Neurodiverse couples is that you must manage what is happening in the room right now, at the present moment.
The following phrases can be understood as softening language. It would perhaps be a fool’s errand to attempt to unpack every soothing nuance:
“I may be wrong here, but this is my top concern...”
“I’m not sure if this is the right time to bring this up…”
“I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about this, but I’d like to share something now…”
“ I’m often worried that you won’t understand this about me..”
“ I understand I may seem stuck on this point, but my mind keeps returning to…”
“ I’m not sure I’m getting you right, but you seem to be saying…”
Final Thoughts…
The Brain Informed Neurodiverse Couple Therapy Model resonates with science-based Gottman Couples Therapy.
In the Gottman Model there is an intervention called a “Softened Start-Up.” While it’s predicated on NT norms, and is quite a concrete and teachable skill.
Also, the Gottman couples therapy model intervention the Repair Checklist can offer tremendous ways to actually map out you and your partner’s responses to soothing phrases, and themes that calmly resonate. I can teach you how.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
