The challenge of a neurodivergent marriage

Wednesday, June 5, 2024. Revised and updated. Originally published on January 28, 2020, for Couples Therapy Inc. I wanted couples therapists to be aware of the AANE training. Working with the neurodiverse, who contribute so much to society, has been an incredible experience for me. They are among our best scientists, surgeons, and technology innovators.

The challenge of a neurodivergent marriage

Neurodivergent marriage is a challenging problem, even for otherwise skilled couples therapists. Several years ago, a colleague of mine was participating in a high-level training seminar for couples therapists.

A therapist was presenting a case involving a husband who was neurodivergent. She described as self-absorbed, blunt, hyper-focused on his own narrow interests, highly intelligent, but completely unwilling to entertain his wife’s point of view.

In concluding her case presentation, this therapist summarily diagnosed the husband as suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder.

My colleague was concerned.

The husband sounded like he had Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a high functioning form of autism. “Aspies” often have an above-average IQ, and are often, (but not always), highly successful scientists, engineers, mathematicians, and technology workers.

According to Asperger’s thought leader Tony Attwood, the profession with the highest concentration of Aspies is physicians.

What is Aspergers?

According to the DSM-5, Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) is a developmental disorder characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and nonverbal communication, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests.

Aspies experience the world differently than neurotypical (NT) people. It is believed that a hyper-sensitivity to sensory stimuli necessitates the Aspie’s withdrawal from an onslaught of oppressive stimulation.

From a couples therapy context, it’s important to note how a conventional neuro-typical perspective dwells on the external conflicts between the NT and the Aspie, and not the root cause…the Aspie’s and NT partner’s fundamentally different neurology.

If you’re an Aspie, you will always be an Aspie. It’s not a personality disorder or illness. It is a variation in how your brain is wired. And it is, in fact, a core aspect of your identity.

Asperger’s Syndrome is typically perceived by NT’s as sensory sensitivity, rigid and concrete thinking, and challenges in mirroring functional NT communication and social skills.

Gender variations

Gender in Aspergers is often a crucial issue in couples therapy because it’s believed that for every Aspie woman, there are anywhere from 3 or more Aspie men. Most neurodiverse couples who wind up on my couch are a high-functioning, successful Aspie man, and his NT wife.

Although it is perceived as an Autism Spectrum Disorder, early development for Aspies is usually healthy, and there is no delay in acquiring language skills. It’s also not unusual for Aspies to have co-occurring learning disabilities and attention deficit issues.

Many Aspies struggle with anxiety, depression and GI issues. It’s hard for NT’s to understand the daily stress of being neurodiverse.

Neurodivergence is sometimes a well-kept Secret

Asperger’s Syndrome is often missed in early childhood, and many individuals do not receive a diagnosis until adulthood…if ever. Often Aspies are aware that their brains are different and try to mimic neurotypical behavior (NT) as best they can.

Many parents don’t realize that they have Asperger’s Syndrome until one of their children is diagnosed.

Recognizing that a partner is on the spectrum is often a huge relief for struggling couples. It explains the concrete thought processes that are such a problematic aspect of intimate family life.

Aspies face particular challenges in couples therapy because most therapists do not understand the notion of a Neurodivergent Marriage. Peter Thiel once said that secrets about people are under-appreciated. He also said that you can’t find secrets without looking for them.

Asperger Marriages are stressed in two distinct ways. First, the challenges of a Neurodivergent Marriage are often hidden. Couples can go for decades without fully understanding why their communication problems are so intractable.

Secondly, most Neurodivergent Couples who enter couples therapy find themselves on the couch of a therapist with neither the training or awareness of how to work with a Neurodivergent Marriage.

I believe in standardizing automobiles. I do not believe in standardizing human beings. Albert Einstein

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

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