The science of meaningful suffering: 3 resilient traits to handle failure and defeat

Thursday, August 3, 2023.

Humans suck at handling failure and setbacks… Why?

When we fail, we suffer. A deeply unwelcome sense of failure is like sandpaper on our soul.

It’s no surprise how most humans utterly fu*k up handling failure. Research tells us that we commonly engage in maladaptive behaviors, from substances to specious spending, as we seek soothing in pretty painful ways.

But science can light our path if we’re willing to listen. Resilience has been carefully studied.

• If When We Do Fail, We Understand the Value of Self-Acceptance, We Might Suffer Less… According to Recent Research.

Unconditional self-acceptance can help humans optimally manage setbacks, deep disappointments, and failures.

• From the researchers:

“When a person’s beliefs and expectations are undermined, it can detrimentally harm their self-worth.

Unlike self-esteem, self-acceptance that is inherently unconditional may better prepare someone for inevitable failures — ultimately serving as a less volatile alternative for promoting well-being.”

How the study was conducted

The researchers designed 5 experiments to assess and test the relationship between feelings of self-acceptance and failure. The researchers discovered that feelings of self-acceptance were protective.

In other words feelings of self-acceptance reduced the occasional of maladaptive behaviors that resulted in feeling like sh*t.

• Here’s how the researchers explained this:

“Consider the person who has just realized that they are poorly prepared financially for retirement.

They might either go out and buy something expensive or start binge eating or drinking as a way to avoid dealing with their problems.

We introduce the idea that practicing self-acceptance is a more effective alternative to this type of self-destructive behavior.”

At the same time, self-acceptance helps humans in the hard work of personal growth.

Feelings of self-acceptance seems to soothe, rather than sandpaper the soul

• The study’s authors write:

“…through self-acceptance, individuals reduce compensatory consumption and are more likely to engage in adaptive consumption to address self-deficits.

Evidence suggests that self-acceptance affects individuals’ responses to self-deficit information by changing their appraisal of self-deficits from harmful to benign to their self-worth.”

Benefits of self-acceptance from hard science

Self-acceptance has been linked to a compelling range of benefits.

Studies have found the following to be true:

• Acceptance of unpleasant emotions is the best way to manage them at the end of the day.

• Self-acceptance and happiness are highly correlated.

• Self-acceptance through self-compassion helps humans move on from regrettable incidents.

• Self-acceptance protects against depression, especially for rigid perfectionists.

• An abiding attitude of acceptance, and the ability to adapt to unavoidable shifting circumstances is correlated to greater resilience in the face of negative emotions.

Humans resort to all sorts of sh*tty coping strategies

Humans who do the following five coping strategies typically feel like sh*t at the end of the day:

• Engaging in Persistent Self-Blame.

• Denial of Apparent Reality.

• Pursuing Relentless Validation and Social Support.

• Venting and Over-Burdening Support Systems.

• Depressive Disengagement and Learned Helplessness

On the other hand, hard science shows that these 3 traits left humans with the deepest sense of satisfaction at the end of the day:

• Acceptance and Healthy Self-Regard.

• Positive Reframing – Looking for the Positives Anywhere You Can, Perhaps by Looking at What Hasn’t Happened as Opposed to What Has.

• A Sense of Humor and an Abiding Sense of Proportionality.

• Professor Joachim Stoeber, who led the study, said:

“It’s no use ruminating about small failures and setbacks and drag yourself further down.

Instead it is more helpful to try to accept what happened, look for positive aspects and — if it is a small thing — have a laugh about it.”

• Professor Stoeber explained the advice was particular good for perfectionists:

“The finding that positive reframing was helpful for students high in perfectionistic concerns is particularly important because it suggests that even people high in perfectionistic concerns, who have a tendency to be dissatisfied no matter what they achieve, are able to experience high levels of satisfaction if they use positive reframing coping when dealing with perceived failures.”

We are living in historically difficult times. We already know from neuroscience that setbacks and failures take longer to process than happy events.

Encountering defeat and setbacks may become a national pastime over the next few years if we shudder with fear and revulsion toward our uncertain and perplexing future.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
― Maya Angelou

Stay kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Soo Kim , David Gal, From Compensatory Consumption to Adaptive Consumption: The Role of Self-Acceptance in Resolving Self-Deficits, Journal of Consumer Research, Volume 41, Issue 2, 1 August 2014, Pages 526–542, https://doi.org/10.1086/676681 (Kim & Gal, 2014).

Stoeber J, Janssen DP. Perfectionism and coping with daily failures: positive reframing helps achieve satisfaction at the end of the day. Anxiety Stress Coping. 2011 Oct; 24(5):477-97. doi: 10.1080/10615806.2011.562977. Epub 2011 Jun 12. PMID: 21424944.