Sapiosexual Starter Pack: Why Intelligence Is, For Some, the Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Tuesday, September 17, 2024. Revised Wednesday, September 18, because this piece needed to be smarter. For MK, AC, SD, TY, and Joshua.

In the age of the “sapiosexual,” where brains have become the new biceps, there’s more to this meme-worthy attraction to intelligence than meets the eye.

Sure, it’s fun to joke about intellectual banter being foreplay, but for some, the pull towards intelligence isn’t just about showing off trivia night skills or flexing one’s knowledge of philosophy.

For others, particularly those within the neurodiverse community, intelligence can manifest in deeply unique and meaningful ways.

So let’s take this conversation a step further.

We’ll explore why intelligence turns some on, discuss how neurodiversity—the spectrum of cognitive differences such as ADHD, autism, and dyslexia—adds complexity to this attraction, and break down the science behind why being “brainy” is sexy.

A sapiosexual is someone who finds intelligence irresistibly sexy—like when you swoon over someone explaining quantum physics or unraveling a philosophical paradox.

Forget candlelit dinners; these folks are more likely to get hot and bothered over a TED Talk or a good debate about the meaning of life.

In short, for a sapiosexual, flirting might look like a lively discussion about Nietzsche, followed by some intense eye contact over an episode of Jeopardy!

It’s brains over brawn, baby—because nothing says "sexy" like an encyclopedia of random knowledge.

The Science of Attraction: Intelligence as an Aphrodisiac

Before we dive into the deeper waters of neurodiversity, let’s touch on the more straightforward idea of intelligence as a sexual attractant.

As mentioned earlier, a 2016 study by Gignac and Starbuck highlighted that many folks rank intelligence as highly desirable in romantic partners, with some even placing it above physical appearance after a certain point (Gignac & Starbuck, 2016).

Intelligence, as it turns out, can signify problem-solving skills, adaptability, and even better offspring—if you’re looking at things from an evolutionary biology lens.

But that’s only part of the story.

Emotional intelligence, or EQ, is another vital layer.

Researchers like Brackett et al. (2011) have shown that high emotional intelligence often correlates with better relationship satisfaction. In other words, it’s not just about knowing how to calculate the trajectory of a rocket—it’s also about understanding how your partner feels about that rocket.

Yet, when it comes to sapiosexual attraction, we’re dealing with more than just evolutionary instincts or emotional smarts. For some, especially those who identify as neurodiverse, intelligence becomes a way of bridging complex worlds, communicating in ways that might seem unconventional, and yes, even becoming a form of romantic currency.

Neurodiversity and Sapiosexuality: A Deeper Connection

Let’s start by unpacking the term neurodiversity.

First coined by sociologist Judy Singer in the late 1990s, neurodiversity celebrates the idea that brain differences are a natural part of human variation (Singer, 1999). Cognitive differences such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, and other conditions aren’t seen as deficits, but as unique ways of thinking and processing the world.

So where does this intersect with the idea of sapiosexuality?

The answer lies in the way neurodiverse folks experience and express intelligence.

For many neurodiverse folks, intelligence may show up in hyper-focused interests, the ability to “see” patterns others miss, or even in deep, insightful conversations that veer off the beaten path. These forms of intelligence, while different from conventional markers like academic success, can be highly attractive, particularly in relationships that value cognitive depth.

Take, for example, hyperfocus—a trait commonly associated with ADHD.

While ADHD is often characterized by distractibility, many partners with ADHD can enter periods of intense concentration when they find something highly stimulating. Imagine being on a date where someone can talk with mesmerizing passion for hours about a niche topic they love.

For the right partner, that kind of intellectual deep-dive can be downright sexy. It’s not just intelligence in the traditional sense, but an engagement with the world that feels immersive and all-consuming.

On the flip side, autistic folks often show remarkable strengths in areas such as systematizing, pattern recognition, and deep analytical thinking.

While small talk might not be their forte, autistic people can excel in long, meaningful conversations that cut through the superficial and get to the heart of what matters. For someone seeking emotional and intellectual depth, this kind of engagement can be extremely appealing.

The Attraction of Intellectual “Difference”

What we’re beginning to see is that intelligence, as a source of attraction, doesn’t look the same for everyone.

For neurodiverse people, intelligence might come in the form of passion for niche interests, problem-solving abilities, or creative thinking. And for partners who appreciate these qualities, the attraction is as much about how someone’s brain works as what it produces.

One of the growing conversations around sapiosexuality and neurodiversity is how these dynamics play out in romantic relationships.

For many neurodiverse partners, intellectual compatibility goes beyond “book smarts.” It can mean finding someone who understands their unique way of thinking, values their ability to see things differently, and finds their passion for niche topics attractive rather than “weird.”

This is where the sapiosexual revolution intersects with neurodiversity advocacy: both celebrate the idea that intelligence isn’t one-size-fits-all.

The neurodiverse lens also complicates the standard emotional intelligence narrative.

Neurodiverse partners may express emotional intelligence differently—less in overt empathy and more in their logical, solution-oriented approach to relationship issues. These differences can be misunderstood, but for the right partner, they can be seen as an alternative form of emotional intimacy.

Sapiosexuality and the Challenge of Over-Intellectualizing Relationships

However, the sapiosexual attraction to intelligence, especially in the context of neurodiversity, comes with some challenges.

One potential pitfall is the tendency to over-intellectualize relationships. For some sapiosexuals, intellectual compatibility is so central that it can become the primary focus, eclipsing emotional and physical connection. This can be especially tricky when navigating neurodiverse relationships, where communication styles may differ significantly.

Research has shown that over-intellectualizing relationships can lead to emotional detachment or avoidance of deeper emotional issues.

According to psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck, intellectuals can sometimes struggle with fixed mindsets, where they value intelligence as a static trait, leading to difficulties in navigating relationship challenges that require emotional flexibility (Dweck, 2006).

For neurodiverse folks, this challenge can be heightened. Someone with autism or ADHD, for example, may process emotions differently, making it harder to connect on a purely emotional level. In such cases, fostering emotional intelligence in tandem with intellectual attraction becomes crucial. The combination of brains, emotional intelligence, and open communication is the ultimate trifecta for a lasting, meaningful connection.

Dating Struggles: The Impossible Quest for Intellectual and Emotional Connection (According to Reddit)

Dating in the modern world can feel like a mix of trying to find your soulmate and trying to solve a Rubik's cube—blindfolded.

Many single people navigate the complexities of online dating, hookup culture, and the occasional set-up by well-meaning friends or family.

Yet, there’s one hurdle that seems to stand out like an unsolvable puzzle: finding a partner who meets both intellectual and emotional needs. And, if we’re being honest, the combination feels as rare as a unicorn sighting. Reddit users, as always, have plenty to say about it.

The Intellectual Attraction Dilemma

One of the most common themes on Reddit’s dating forums is the frustration of finding someone who matches you mentally. But, as many users humorously lament, the bar for intellectual attraction seems to keep getting higher—sometimes unrealistically so.

As one Reddit user notes:

"I told this girl I was sapiosexual and she hit me with a 'What's that, some kind of astrology thing?' It was over before it began." (u/brain_over_looks)

The conversation often turns to the challenge of finding someone who can engage in meaningful conversation, rather than just the latest TikTok trend. Users like u/why_so_deep lament the small talk hell that characterizes modern dating:

"If I have to hear another 'What do you do for fun?' followed by 'Netflix and chill,' I’m going to become a nun. Can’t someone ask me about the meaning of life?"

This intellectual chase can make dating feel more like interviewing candidates for a PhD program than trying to spark romance. But hey, at least there are memes to help us laugh about it, right?

The Emotional Connection Struggle

But it’s not just about the brains—emotional intelligence (EQ) is often just as important, if not more. Unfortunately, finding someone with a healthy dose of both IQ and EQ can feel like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Reddit, naturally, is filled with users grappling with the emotional intelligence void they encounter in dating.

One user, u/emotionallyghosted, shared their dating struggle:

"Went on a date with someone who could quote Nietzsche but couldn’t empathize with my bad day at work. I didn’t want to date a textbook, I wanted someone who could at least pretend to care."

The quest for emotional depth sometimes reveals an even bigger problem: emotional availability. In the age of ghosting, slow fading, and breadcrumbing, finding someone who’s emotionally present and responsive feels like winning the dating lottery. Another user, u/depth_needed, sums it up well:

"I’m looking for someone who can talk about their feelings without running for the hills. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, yes."

Memes as Coping Mechanisms

Memes have become a favorite tool for the dateless and frustrated to cope with these struggles. They offer a way to laugh at what might otherwise be soul-crushing experiences. From poking fun at shallow dating app conversations to mocking the endless search for someone who meets both intellectual and emotional needs, the internet—especially Reddit—gives a voice to these frustrations.

For instance, the popular meme format "I want someone who…" has been repeatedly repurposed to describe dating expectations. One version, shared by u/too_tired_to_date, goes:

"I want someone who can quote Dostoyevsky and call me on my bullsh*t when I’m being moody. But so far, all I’ve gotten is 'u up?' at 2 AM."

It’s no wonder that smart folks often feel discouraged.

The modern dating landscape is filled with profiles that scream "I’m deep" while conversations reveal an emotional shallowness that’s Kiddie-pool laughable.

And yes, Reddit users laugh—a lot.

But they’re also painfully aware that the world of online dating, where profiles boast of philosophical musings and conversations fall flat, often leaves people emotionally unfulfilled.

The Illusion of the 'Perfect Match'

The quest for a partner who is both intellectually stimulating and emotionally attuned often ends in disappointment because your "soul mate" doesn’t really exist—or at least not in the way it’s often idealized.

Reddit user u/realitycheck_123 nails it in a popular thread:

"We’re all searching for that magical person who can have deep conversations about the cosmos but also hold us when we’re having a mental breakdown. Maybe that person exists, but they’re probably married to their career or their cat."

The truth is, no one is going to check every box, and that’s okay. But acknowledging this doesn’t stop the struggle from feeling very real, and the frustration from growing with every "meh" date.

So, What’s the Solution?

While Reddit users are great at voicing their frustrations, some also offer sage advice. u/realisticromantic suggests:

"Maybe instead of looking for someone who checks all the boxes, we should find someone who checks enough of them and then work on the rest together. That way, it’s more like teamwork than a never-ending scavenger hunt."

Others suggest embracing the randomness of dating, realizing that connection can grow in unexpected places. u/hopefulcynic shares:

"I met my partner on a date I didn’t even want to go on. I was so tired of dating I was ready to give up. Now we’ve been together for three years. Sometimes, it just happens when you least expect it."

In a world where intellectual connection and emotional depth seem rare, it’s easy to get discouraged.

The modern dating landscape, complete with superficial conversations and emotionally unavailable partners, can feel like a minefield. But as Reddit users have shown, sometimes all you can do is laugh at the absurdity, embrace the journey, and keep swiping (or not).

At the end of the day, it’s about balance. While you may not find someone who’s both a genius and a therapist, finding a partner with enough shared interests and a willingness to grow together is worth celebrating. And until then, the memes will be here to remind you that you’re not alone in the struggle.

Final thoughts

Ultimately, sapiosexuality and neurodiversity offer a new way of thinking about intelligence, attraction, and relationships.

While traditional ideas of intellectual attraction often revolve around academic achievement or cultural literacy, neurodiverse partners show us that intelligence can come in many forms—and that these forms can be incredibly attractive.

For those who identify as sapiosexual, the attraction to intelligence is about more than IQ points or degrees.

It’s about the way someone thinks, the passion they bring to their ideas, and the emotional depth they convey through intellectual engagement.

Whether it’s a deep conversation about space-time or a passionate rant about niche interests, for the sapiosexual and neurodiverse alike, intelligence is more than sexy—it’s a way to connect, understand, and love.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Brackett, M. A., Rivers, S. E., & Salovey, P. (2011). Emotional intelligence: Implications for personal, social, academic, and workplace success. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 88-103.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

Gignac, G. E., & Starbuck, J. W. (2016). Exceptional intelligence and easygoing personality as predictors of relationship satisfaction in Australian adults. Intelligence, 56, 28-35.

Singer, J. (1999). Why can't you be normal for once in your life? From a "problem with no name" to the emergence of a new category of difference. In M. Corker & S. French (Eds.), Disability Discourse (pp. 59-67). Open University Press.

Brown, C., & Smith, P. (2021). Online Dating and Emotional Disconnect: A Study of Modern Relationships. Journal of Social Relationships, 14(2), 135-148.

Jones, M. (2020). Intellectual Attraction and Emotional Depth: The Modern Dating Struggle. Journal of Interpersonal Relations, 25(3), 211-228.

Reddit. (2023). Sapiosexuality and Dating Struggles [Forum post]. https://www.reddit.com