Conflict Styles and Repair Mechanisms in Neurodiverse Couples: Navigating Emotional Dysregulation and Processing Speeds with Empathy and Patience
Friday, January 24, 2025. More stuff for Amy & David to consider.
Conflict in any relationship can feel overwhelming, but for neurodiverse couples, it’s often magnified by unique challenges like emotional dysregulation, sensory sensitivities, and differing processing speeds.
Yet, with awareness, patience, and a few tailored strategies, conflicts can transform into opportunities for deeper understanding and growth.
Let’s explore these dynamics in depth, with real-world examples to illustrate how they play out and how they can be resolved.
Emotional Dysregulation: When Emotions Take Over
For partners with ADHD, emotions can feel like a flash flood—intense, unexpected, and difficult to control.
In contrast, autistic partners may experience "meltdowns" or "shutdowns" when they’re overwhelmed by sensory or emotional stimuli. These moments can leave both partners feeling disconnected and unsure how to move forward.
The Overwhelmed Partner
Scenario: Mary, who has ADHD, comes home after a long day at work. She’s irritable and snaps at her husband, James, when he asks her what’s for dinner. James, who is neurotypical, feels hurt and confused by her reaction.
Solution: Mary and James agree to create a "transition buffer" for her after work. Instead of jumping into conversations, Mary takes 20 minutes to decompress, allowing her emotional state to settle. James learns not to take her initial irritability personally.
The Shutdown Partner
Scenario: During an argument, Michael raises his voice out of frustration, not realizing that Doris, who is autistic, finds loud tones overstimulating. She shuts down and walks out of the room.
Solution: Michael and Doris establish a rule to pause arguments when Doris feels overwhelmed. Michael practices keeping his tone calm, while Doris agrees to signal when she needs a break rather than leaving abruptly.
Differing Processing Speeds: A Hidden Source of Frustration
In many neurodiverse relationships, one partner may process information more quickly than the other. This difference can lead to misunderstandings, especially during emotionally charged discussions.
The Need for Time
Scenario: Mark asks Dawn a complex question about their finances during an argument. Dawn pauses for what feels like forever to Mark, who assumes she’s ignoring him. Dawn, meanwhile, is trying to formulate her thoughts but feels pressured by Mark’s impatience.
Solution: They agree to use a “processing signal.” If Dawn needs time, she says, “I’m thinking about it.” Mark learns to give her space without assuming she’s disengaged, and Dawn commits to revisiting the question once she’s ready.
Common Conflict Patterns and How to Break Them
Escalation Spirals
Example: Steve feels unappreciated and becomes sarcastic. Connie, already overwhelmed by her day, snaps back, and their conversation turns into a shouting match.
What Helps: Use a safe word or phrase like “Pause Point” to stop the argument before it escalates further. This gives both partners a chance to cool down and approach the issue later with a clearer mind.
Misinterpreted Behaviors
Example: Sheila doesn’t make eye contact during an argument, which Tony interprets as disinterest. Shiela, on the other hand, avoids eye contact because it helps her focus on the conversation.
What Helps: Shiela explains why she avoids eye contact, and Tony learns to recognize her listening cues (e.g., nodding or repeating key points) rather than relying on neurotypical expectations.
Shutdowns and Withdrawals
Example: During a disagreement about parenting, Sue feels overwhelmed and retreats to her bedroom. Danny interprets this as avoidance, which triggers his own feelings of abandonment.
What Helps: Sue and Danny agree on a "check-in rule." If Sue needs space, she says, “I need to step away, but I’ll come back in 30 minutes.” This reassurance helps Danny feel secure while giving Anna the break she needs.
Repair Mechanisms Tailored to Neurodiverse Couples
Time-Outs with Clear Boundaries
Taking a break during a heated argument is helpful, but it works best with agreed-upon boundaries. For example:
Anna: “I need 15 minutes to calm down. Let’s talk at 7:30.”
James: “Okay, I’ll be ready to talk then.”
This prevents breaks from feeling like stonewalling and ensures both partners know the conversation isn’t being avoided.
Humor as a Repair Tool
Shared humor can defuse tension and rebuild connection.
Example: After an argument about chores, Amy sends David a meme about “the laundry that folds itself (in my dreams).” It’s her way of saying, “I know we’re frustrated, but we’re still a team.”
Writing It Out
For partners who struggle with verbal communication during conflict, writing can be a powerful tool.
Example: After a disagreement, Sherry writes Dave a note: “I wasn’t ignoring you—I just needed time to think. I care about what you said and want to talk now.” This gives her time to process while letting Dave know he’s valued.
Sensory-Friendly Communication
Creating an environment that minimizes sensory overload can help during difficult conversations. This might include dimming the lights, using soft tones, or even sitting side-by-side instead of face-to-face.
Couples Therapy: A Safe Space for Growth
Therapists trained in neurodiversity can provide tools and strategies tailored to your relationship. For example:
Mindfulness Techniques: Learning to pause and ground yourself during emotional dysregulation.
Role-Playing Difficult Conversations: Practicing conflict scenarios in a safe space to develop better communication habits.
Education on Neurodiversity: Helping neurotypical partners understand behaviors that might seem confusing or unexpected.
Transforming Conflict into Connection
Conflict doesn’t have to be the end of the road—it can be a bridge to deeper intimacy and understanding.
Neurodiverse couples, with their unique strengths and challenges, have the potential to build relationships that are not only resilient but also profoundly enriching.
Well-designed therapeutic interventions will help you to embrace each other’s differences with curiosity, create tailored conflict resolution strategies, and invest in mutual growth. I can help with that.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Brown, T. E. (2013). A new understanding of ADHD in children and adults: Executive function impairments. Routledge.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.
Mazefsky, C. A., et al. (2018). Emotion regulation in autism spectrum disorder: Where we are and where we need to go. Biological Psychiatry: Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging, 3(6), 566-574. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bpsc.2018.04.011
Milton, D. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883-887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008
Shore, S. M. (2013). Sensory integration: Answers for parents of children with autism. Autism Asperger Publishing Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Weiss, J. A., Cappadocia, M. C., Tint, A., & Pepler, D. (2015). Bullying victimization and perpetration in adolescents with autism spectrum disorder. Exceptional Children, 81(2), 162–175. https://doi.org/10.1177/0014402914551746