Part 1: The Rise of Explicit Communication as a Relationship Strength

Friday, March 21, 2025.

Welcome to the first chapter in this surprising, hopeful journey through neurodiverse love. We begin where many relationships stumble—but where neurodiverse couples are innovating: communication.

For most of human history, couples were expected to intuit, hint, and read between the lines. Love meant "just knowing."

But for neurodiverse couples, that’s like asking someone to guess a password they never got. So instead, many are ditching the guesswork and embracing a powerful alternative: explicit communication.

And wouldn’t you know—it’s working beautifully.

Direct Communication: Not a Deficit, But a Design Feature

For partners with autism spectrum conditions, ADHD, or other neurodivergences, communication styles often lean toward the literal, the precise, and the unfiltered.

And while neurotypical society has sometimes labeled this as “awkward” or “inappropriate,” what we’re now learning is that explicit communication is often more accurate, more respectful, and more efficient.

This isn’t a workaround. It’s a relational upgrade.

“My autistic partner doesn’t leave me guessing. They just tell me what they need,” one neurotypical spouse said in a 2023 qualitative study on neurodiverse couples. “It’s the most emotionally safe relationship I’ve ever had.” (Leedham et al., 2020)

Why It's Working (and Why the World Is Catching On)

Let’s look at the neurobiology of it: when we rely on subtle cues—facial expressions, tones, social scripts—we’re activating fast, intuitive processing (think: System 1 from Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow).

Neurodivergent brains, especially those with sensory sensitivities or information processing differences, often require more System 2 processing—slower, more deliberate, less instinctive.

When both partners learn to communicate concretely and explicitly, it reduces the chance of overload, misinterpretation, and emotional dysregulation. It also fosters mutual clarity, something many neurotypical couples don’t realize they’re missing.

A few examples of explicit communication at work:

• “I need 20 minutes of quiet before I’m ready to talk.”

• “When you cancel last-minute, I feel disoriented. Can you give me more lead time?”

• “I’m not angry, I’m overstimulated. I need to lie down.”

These aren’t high-drama soap opera lines. They’re adulting with a user manual.

The Research: What Science Says About Clear Communication

A growing body of research shows that intentional, explicit, concrete AF communication improves relationship satisfaction across the neurodiversity spectrum.

One study on couples where one or both partners were on the autism spectrum found that when communication styles were directly addressed in therapy—with accommodations made for literal or delayed processing—relationship satisfaction significantly improved (Gordon & Ackerman, 2020).

And in ADHD relationships, structured check-ins and explicit discussions about time blindness, executive functioning challenges, and overstimulation often reduce conflict and increase empathy (Barkley, 2015; Ramsay, 2021).

What once looked like "overexplaining" or "emotional rigidity" now appears to be what every couple actually needs: clear expectations, clear feedback, and low drama.

Explicit ≠ Unkind

Let’s be clear: explicit communication is not the same as bluntness without compassion.

Neurodiverse couples are learning to speak directly and kindly. Sometimes this looks like using agreed-upon scripts during conflict. Sometimes it means using written communication or even shared Google Docs to resolve complex emotional topics.

Neurodiverse partners often develop shared vocabularies and creative tools for connection—infographics, memes, or code words that serve as shorthand for emotional realities.

This isn't robotic love. It's engineered intimacy.

A Communication Culture Worth Emulating

If neurotypical relationships are still stuck in “if they really loved me, they’d just know,” neurodiverse relationships are showing us a more respectful, intentional path forward.

In fact, many relationship coaches and therapists are now integrating neurodivergent-informed communication tools into all couples work, regardless of neurological profile. What began as a survival strategy is becoming a template for secure, low-conflict, growth-centered love.

Tools to Try: Explicit Communication in Practice

Want to experiment with this trend in your own relationship? Here are a few science-backed tools that are transforming how couples connect:

• Scheduled Check-ins: Many neurodiverse couples find it easier to process emotion when it’s structured. Try a weekly 20-minute sit-down with clear rules: no interrupting, and all feelings are valid.

• Needs-Based Language: Use phrases like, “I need,” “I notice,” “I feel,” and “I prefer.” These reduce the chance of spiraling into blame.

• Text-Based Conflict Pause: If one or both partners get overwhelmed during verbal conflict, take a 15-minute break, then resume via shared text or document. You’ll be shocked how clear things get when you slow it down.

• Shared Emotional Lexicons: Create a document with mutually agreed-upon definitions of terms like “overwhelmed,” “lonely,” “disconnected,” or “peaceful.” You’d be surprised how many fights are just two people using the same word to mean different things.

Bottom Line: Communication Isn’t Magic. It’s Design.

If neurodiverse couples have taught us anything, it’s that love doesn’t have to be mysterious, intuitive, or improvised. It can be planned, iterated, and co-created. That’s not less romantic—it’s more.

In fact, when both partners know what’s being said, and why, love becomes less about decoding each other—and more about choosing each other, over and over again.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

Stay tuned for Part 2: The Mainstreaming of Sensory Intelligence—where we talk about why weighted blankets and noise-canceling headphones might be more romantic than champagne and roses.

REFERENCES:

Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment (4th ed.). Guilford Press.

Gordon, K. C., & Ackerman, R. A. (2020). Neurodiversity in relationships: A case for understanding. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 50(3), 161–172. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10879-020-09456-8

Leedham, A., Thompson, A. R., Smith, R., & Freeth, M. (2020). “I was exhausted trying to figure it out”: The experiences of adults with autism spectrum conditions in intimate relationships. Autism, 24(4), 921–931. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361320908102

Ramsay, J. R. (2021). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for adult ADHD: An integrative psychosocial and medical approach (3rd ed.). Routledge.