The Natural Progression of Intimacy: Neurotypical vs. Neurodiverse Couples in Long-Term Relationships
Thursday, September 12, 2024.
Intimacy in long-term relationships is a lot like cooking: at the beginning, it’s all about the sizzle and the spice, but as time goes on, it becomes about the slow, steady simmer.
For both neurotypical and neurodiverse couples, the way intimacy evolves over time is distinct but equally rich.
Let’s consider how intimacy progresses differently, yet beautifully, in these two types of relationships, supported by social science and insights from autism thought leaders.
Love in the Beginning: Sparks, Fireworks, and... Social Scripts?
When a relationship starts, there’s often an intense focus on connection. For neurotypical couples, this often involves spontaneous gestures, deep eye contact, and endless hours of “just talking.” But for neurodiverse couples, particularly those where one or both partners are on the autism spectrum, the early stages of intimacy can look a little different.
Neurodiverse folks may rely on more structured social scripts to navigate these initial phases.
According to Dr. Tony Attwood, an expert on autism, people on the spectrum often excel when clear expectations are set in social interactions (Attwood, 2007). So, while neurotypical couples might be swept up in spontaneous late-night conversations, a neurodiverse couple might thrive by having scheduled “talk time,” where both partners know what to expect.
Interestingly, research shows that neurodiverse couples often exhibit honesty and directness in communication from the outset (Davidson & Orsini, 2013).
This kind of openness can fast-track emotional intimacy, as neurodiverse partners may express their feelings more transparently, without playing the “guessing game” of dating.
Intimacy Evolves: From Grand Gestures to Comfortable Silence
As relationships progress, both neurotypical and neurodiverse couples begin to settle into routines.
For neurotypical couples, the fiery intensity of early romance may soften into a quieter, more comfortable intimacy. Long-term couples tend to shift from passionate love to companionate love—a deep emotional bond that centers on mutual respect, care, and shared life experiences (Hatfield, Bensman, & Rapson, 2011).
For neurodiverse couples, this evolution can also involve a shift in how they navigate intimacy.
Instead of relying on rigid social scripts, they may begin to develop their own unique communication styles.
In NeuroTribes, Steve Silberman (2015) notes that neurodiverse couples often create their own “language” of affection—whether it’s through shared interests, routines, or simply being present without the pressure of constant verbal communication.
For both types of couples, the progression of intimacy isn’t about losing passion but about redefining it.
Neurotypical couples may find that intimacy becomes about sharing a quiet cup of coffee in the morning, while neurodiverse couples might bond over a mutual interest in a favorite topic—where the connection is found in the joy of both shared and sharing knowledge.
Conflict and Communication: The Silent Treatment or The Clear Directive?
Conflict is inevitable in any long-term relationship, but how it’s handled can vary significantly between neurotypical and neurodiverse couples.
For neurotypical couples, conflict often leads to the dreaded “silent treatment,” where one partner withdraws emotionally. Research shows that stonewalling—when one partner refuses to engage in a conversation—is one of the most damaging behaviors in relationships (Gottman, 1994).
In contrast, neurodiverse couples may approach conflict with a more direct style.
Autism expert Dr. Temple Grandin emphasizes the importance of clear, factual communication in neurodiverse relationships (Grandin, 2013).
When a neurodiverse partner is upset, they’re likely to express it plainly, without resorting to passive-aggressive behavior. This directness can actually help neurodiverse couples resolve conflicts more efficiently than their neurotypical counterparts.
However, neurodiverse couples may struggle with emotional reciprocity, where one partner expects a particular emotional response that the other may not be able to provide in the moment.
According to research by Milton (2012), neurodiverse folks may take longer to process and respond to emotional cues, which can lead to misunderstandings. The key for neurodiverse couples is learning to recognize and appreciate different expressions of emotional intimacy—even when they don’t look like traditional displays of affection.
Intimacy in the Long-Term: Predictability as Comfort or Constraint?
In long-term relationships, intimacy often becomes about the routines and rituals that couples develop over time.
For neurotypical couples, these rituals—like watching a TV show together every night or having a weekly date—can be a source of comfort and connection.
For neurodiverse couples, routine is often even more central to intimacy.
Predictability can be soothing, providing a sense of control and stability.
As author and autism advocate Judy Endow notes, “structure creates a safety net, making life easier to navigate for individuals on the spectrum” (Endow, 2009). Neurodiverse couples may thrive on the consistency of shared routines, finding intimacy in the reliability of these rituals.
However, it’s important for both neurotypical and neurodiverse couples to be mindful of falling into a rut.
Routine can become constraining if it’s not balanced with novelty and growth. Studies show that couples who engage in new activities together report higher levels of relationship satisfaction (Aron et al., 2000).
For neurodiverse couples, this might mean exploring new interests together in a structured way, while neurotypical couples might benefit from spontaneous adventures that break their usual patterns.
Intimacy and Communication: Understanding the Nuances in Neurotypical and Neurodiverse Relationships
Communication breakdowns are a well-known challenge in long-term relationships, and while they look different for neurotypical and neurodiverse couples, the root cause is often a misalignment in emotional reciprocity.
For neurotypical couples, communication issues often arise from emotional misunderstandings or the failure to express needs clearly.
Research shows that couples who use more emotionally expressive language tend to feel more connected and satisfied in their relationships (Gottman & Levenson, 1999). This expressive form of communication might involve discussing feelings openly, using nonverbal cues like body language, or engaging in long conversations about the state of the relationship.
On the other hand, neurodiverse couples, particularly those where one partner is on the autism spectrum, often communicate in more direct and straightforward ways.
In her book The Autistic Mind (2013), Dr. Temple Grandin points out that neurodiverse folks may not naturally pick up on subtle emotional cues or read between the lines of communication.
For example, instead of hinting or relying on body language, a neurodiverse partner might prefer a clear, verbal expression of needs, such as, "I need you to spend more time with me this weekend."
The key here is learning to appreciate and adapt to these different communication styles. Neurotypical partners may need to be more concrete AF ,while neurodiverse partners might need to work on picking up on emotional signals. Building communication bridges is essential for intimacy to flourish in both types of relationships, and all couples should avoid mind-reading.
Physical Intimacy: Navigating Sensory Sensitivities
Physical intimacy is another area where differences in neurotypical and neurodiverse relationships emerge.
For neurotypical couples, physical touch often serves as a primary way to communicate affection, comfort, and love. Research shows that affectionate touch, such as hugging or cuddling, releases oxytocin—a hormone linked to bonding and emotional closeness (Field, 2010).
However, for neurodiverse folks, particularly those on the autism spectrum, sensory sensitivities may make physical touch overwhelming at times.
According to Dr. Olga Bogdashina, sensory overload can be a common experience for neurodiverse people, making physical affection more challenging (Bogdashina, 2003). A neurodiverse partner may find certain textures, pressures, or types of physical contact overstimulating or even uncomfortable.
In these cases, intimacy becomes about finding alternative ways to connect physically, whether it’s through gentler forms of touch, establishing clear boundaries, or connecting through activities that don’t involve direct contact but still foster a sense of closeness, such as shared hobbies or parallel play.
By understanding each partner's needs and limits, couples can maintain intimacy without pushing beyond their comfort zones.
Emotional Intimacy in the Digital Age: How Technology Impacts Relationships
As we move deeper into the digital age, both neurotypical and neurodiverse couples face the challenge of navigating intimacy in a world increasingly dominated by screens. Technology offers new ways to connect but also new hurdles to overcome, particularly when it comes to fostering emotional intimacy.
For neurotypical couples, digital communication tools like texting, video calls, and social media can enhance intimacy when used to complement face-to-face interactions. Studies show that couples who maintain a balance between online and offline communication report higher levels of relationship satisfaction (Rhoades, 2014).
However, for neurodiverse couples, the advent of digital communication can be a game-changer.
Texting and messaging apps allow for clear, structured communication without the ambiguity of face-to-face interactions. Neurodiverse folks may find it easier to express emotions or resolve conflicts in writing, where they can take the time to process and respond thoughtfully. This structured form of communication can help bridge gaps in emotional reciprocity, allowing both partners to connect on a deeper level.
Relationship Challenges and Growth: Finding Intimacy in the Hard Times
In any long-term relationship, challenges are inevitable.
For neurotypical couples, these challenges often revolve around shifting emotional needs, growing resentment, or changes in lifestyle. Studies show that couples who navigate difficult times together—whether due to health issues, financial stress, or external pressures—tend to emerge stronger if they maintain open communication and emotional support (Karney & Bradbury, 1995).
For neurodiverse couples, challenges might look a little different.
For instance, one partner may struggle with sensory overload, while the other partner may have difficulty adapting to changes in routine.
Here, adaptability and patience are key. Couples who successfully navigate these issues often do so by creating systems and routines that accommodate each partner’s unique needs, fostering a deep sense of trust and support.
In both neurotypical and neurodiverse relationships, intimacy often grows through shared challenges. As the saying goes, “a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.” By working together, couples build resilience—and in that resilience, they often find a deeper form of intimacy in the deep “folk wisdom” they acquire about how to adapt to one another.
The Beauty of Evolving Intimacy
Whether a couple is neurotypical or neurodiverse, the natural progression of intimacy is a beautiful thing. What starts as passion evolves into a deep, companionate love, rooted in shared experiences, mutual respect, and the quirks that make each relationship unique.
For neurotypical couples, this may look like comfort and familiarity, where the grand gestures of the past are replaced by small acts of kindness. For neurodiverse couples, it may mean finding safety in routines and expressing love in ways that aren’t always traditional but are no less meaningful.
Ultimately, the progression of intimacy is about understanding and embracing each other’s needs—whether that’s through spontaneous gestures or structured routines.
As both neurotypical and neurodiverse couples learn, love isn’t about one-size-fits-all approaches. It’s about the unique dance that each couple creates, step by step, over time.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
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Endow, J. (2009). Paper Words: Discovering and Living with My Autism. Autism Asperger Publishing Co.
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Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1999). How stable is marital interaction over time? Family Process, 38(2), 159-165.
Grandin, T. (2013). The Autistic Brain: Thinking Across the Spectrum. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
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Milton, D. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The 'double empathy problem'. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883-887.
Silberman, S. (2015). NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity. Avery Publishing Group.