Repairing after a bi-sexual Affair in a Neurodiverse, Open Marriage

Friday, June 21, 2024.

Clarice Babson (not her real name), a dynamic 27-year-old art director, recently found herself entangled in a complex emotional web after a workplace affair with her co-worker, Davida.

Her husband, Barry, a neurodiverse veterinarian with an anxiety disorder, is grappling with the aftermath of this revelation.

As they navigate the intricacies of their relationship, they are also exploring the possibilities of an open marriage and the unique challenges posed by neurodiversity.

This transcript of a repair dialogue sheds light on their journey towards healing, interspersed with my commentary on their discussion on bisexuality, open marriage, and neurodiversity.

Transcript of the Session:

"Good evening, Clarice and Barry. I'm glad you're both here. Today, we will focus on understanding each other's perspectives and working towards healing. Clarice, can you start by sharing your thoughts and feelings about what happened?"

Clarice: "Sure. Daniel, I need to say something right out of the gate. Barry, I want to start by saying I never intended to hurt you. My relationship with Davida was...unexpected. We connected on an emotional and physical level that I didn't anticipate. I love you, but I felt something was missing."

Commentary: Bisexual women often face profound challenges in relationships, particularly when their sexual and emotional attractions span multiple genders. Clarice's experience highlights the complexity of navigating these feelings within the context of a committed relationship. Understanding bisexuality and its implications is crucial for fostering open communication and trust.

Barry: "I appreciate your honesty, Clarice. It was a shock to learn about you and Davida. My anxiety went through the roof. I started questioning everything about our marriage and my own worth. It didn’t seem right to me that you would not discuss your attraction to Davida until you acted on it.

Therapist: "Barry, your feelings are completely valid. It's important to address how this has impacted you, especially considering your anxiety. Can you share more about what you've been experiencing?"

Barry: "I've been feeling overwhelmed. My mind keeps racing with 'what ifs.' Dealing with unexpected changes is hard for me, you know that for Chrissake. I've always relied on structure and predictability to manage my anxiety and my life with you. Clarice, I’m not stupid. I knew you liked women. You never hid that from me, and I never held it against you. But it was just wrong for you to hide it from me when it was the most urgent source of pleasure in your life.

Commentary: Neurodiverse folks, such as those with anxiety disorders, often thrive on routine and predictability. Disruptions to their established patterns can be particularly challenging. The neurodiverse are also far more accepting of sexual fluidity. Many have a strong, abiding sense of fair play, which is clearly seen in Barry’s response. Barry's response also underscores the importance of considering neurodiversity in relationship dynamics, especially when navigating significant emotional events like infidelity.

Clarice: "I understand, Barry. I want to work on rebuilding your trust. Maybe we can explore the idea of an open marriage, where we set clear boundaries and communicate openly about our needs and experiences."

Therapist: "Exploring an open marriage is a significant step. It's essential to establish clear boundaries and maintain open lines of communication. It’s a path that is often difficult and fraught with peril for neurotypicals. But both of you seem intrigued to explore boundaries. Barry, how do you feel about this suggestion?"

Barry: "It's a lot to process. On one hand, the idea scares me because of my anxiety and need for stability. On the other hand, I see the potential for us to be more honest about our needs and desires."

Commentary: My gentle readers know that while I’m not a fan of Open Marriage, it takes all sorts of brains to move our world.

Open marriages can provide a framework for some couples to explore their sexual and emotional needs while still maintaining a committed relationship.

However, for neurodiverse folks, the added complexity of multiple relationships requires careful consideration and strong communication skills. Establishing boundaries and regularly checking in with each other can help manage these dynamics effectively.

Clarice: "I think it could help us. I want to be honest about my bisexuality and my attractions, but I also want to prioritize our relationship. Setting rules and being transparent can help. I read a book about it I’d like to talk about.”

Barry: "Okay, I'm willing to try. But we need to take it slow. Really slow. I need time to adjust and understand how this will work for us."

Therapist: "Taking it slow is a good approach. Let's outline some initial boundaries that feel comfortable for both of you. But these boundaries have to have a sacred meaning between the two of you. We live in a time when you can have any conceivable form of intimacy you like. Five percent of Americans live these sorts of special lifestyles. But it requires above-average integrity. Clarice, what are your thoughts on sacred boundaries?"

Clarice: "I think we should start with clear communication about any new relationships. No secrets. And maybe set specific times to discuss how we're feeling about everything."

Barry: "That sounds fair. I also think we should have a rule about not getting involved with mutual friends or coworkers to avoid complications."

Therapist: "These are modest starting points. It's also crucial to regularly check in with each other to reassess how things are going and make any necessary adjustments. The lifestyle you are undertaking takes great cultural pride in explicit communication and personal integrity.”

Commentary: Establishing boundaries and maintaining open communication are vital components of a successful open marriage, particularly when one partner is neurodiverse.

Regular check-ins can help address any emerging issues and ensure both partners feel secure and respected.

Clarice: "I agree. Barry, I want you to know that my love for you hasn't changed. This journey is about being honest with each other and finding ways to meet both our needs.I’m sorry I didn’t do that. I love you, and I’m on your side.”

Barry: "I love you too, Clarice. I'm willing to work on this with you. Let's take it one step at a time."

Therapist: "You're both using the language of courage and commitment. Remember, this is a process, and it's okay to seek support along the way. Let's continue to work on rebuilding trust and understanding in your relationship with generative conversations.”

Final Thoughts

Navigating the complexities of an open marriage, particularly within the context of neurodiversity and bisexuality, requires patience, open communication, and a willingness to adapt.

Research is beginning to give voice to the notion that bi-sexual women often have a difficult time navigating an oppressive social order which forces them to choose.

Clarice and Barry's journey highlights the importance of establishing clear boundaries, maintaining transparency, and supporting each other's emotional needs. With the right approach, couples just might find a balance that honors their individual identities while strengthening their bond.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.