Marites women and other cultural musings…

Friday, March 1, 2024. It’s my private practice's first birthday! For “Ani.”

Now, you might be wondering, "Who or what is Marites?" Fear not, dear reader, for we shall delve into this cultural phenomenon with all the sensitivity an old white guy can muster.

What does Marites mean?

Marites has been a meme word in the Philippines since the onset of the pandemic in 2020.

Marites means “from the word” in Filipino. “Mari annoang” means the latest, as in the newest news.

It means a Marites wants to pry deeply into the intimate business of their target's life.

We Americans call some aspects of Marites Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO).

Who is Marites?: In Filipino culture, "Marites" has become a colloquial term for a particular archetype of womanhood. Often depicted as nosy, gossipy, and perhaps a tad too involved in the affairs of others, Marites embodies traits that straddle the line between endearing and exasperating.

Cultural Sensitivity 101: As we explore this idea, it's essential to approach the topic with the utmost cultural sensitivity. As an old white male, I must acknowledge my limitations in fully grasping the nuances of Filipino culture. Therefore, I humbly offer these thoughts and others to foster understanding and empathy.

Respect Personal Boundaries: First and foremost, when encountering a new cultural idea in therapy, it's crucial to recognize and respect personal boundaries. The World Book of Families is a dog-eared resource of mine. While curiosity may be natural, prying into others' affairs without invitation can be perceived as intrusive. Remember, just because you’re the therapist, and you’re expected to ask, it doesn’t logically follow that because you can ask, you should! In other words, model a curious, open hesitancy. Try to slow your clients down.

Research Insight: Studies in social science emphasize the importance of respecting boundaries in interpersonal relationships to maintain harmony and trust within communities. However, it’s also important to be curious about the depth and scope of how they see and describe the issue. Marites can contain contradictory elements of both affection and annoyance.

Practice Active Listening: American sensibilities might quickly suggest that our clients should practice active listening rather than jumping to conclusions or spreading gossip.

We’d also remind them to cultivate a genuine interest in others' perspectives and experiences. Remember, it's not about having all the answers; sometimes, it's enough to lend an empathetic ear.

The problem with these wise noticings is the utter lack of cultural context.

Research Insight: Research suggests that active listening fosters stronger interpersonal connections and reduces misunderstandings in communication. But how does this translate into more family-centered cultures, as in the Philippines?

Mind Your Own Business (MYOB): Ah, the age-old adage rings feels true here. And we Americans love to share it. We warn that while it's tempting to involve oneself in the dramas of others, exercising restraint and focusing on one's affairs can lead to a more peaceful existence. After all, there's plenty to keep us occupied in our own lives! This is, again, such a classically American atomized sensibility. Upon hearing MYOB advice in some cultures, an eyebrow is suddenly arched. This can get messy if you lose your clinical credibility.

Research Insight: Psychological studies highlight the benefits of focusing on internal locus of control, wherein most humans tend to prioritize their own actions and responsibilities over external factors. American therapy squats stubbornly on Midwest American notions like “locus of control.” This requires therapists to have a “Plan B” when this American Gospel fails to inspire…

Ah, the million-dollar question: Can a woman be "Marites" toward her own daughter?

The short answer is yes, but the long answer is a bit more nuanced.

The dynamic between a mother and her daughter can be incredibly complex in many cultures, including Filipino culture. While maternal instincts may drive a mother's desire to protect and guide her offspring, there's a fine line between nurturing and being overly involved.

Let's unpack this with a touch of humor and a dash of cultural sensitivity:

Mama Bear Syndrome: Picture this: Mama Bear, fiercely protective and ever-vigilant, ready to pounce at the slightest hint of danger. While this instinct is admirable, it can sometimes manifest as “Marites” behavior, mainly when applied to one's own flesh and blood. Americans often joke about this sensibility in political banter.

The "Momager" Dilemma: In the age of social media influencers and reality TV stardom, some mothers may channel their inner Kris Jenner (of Kardashian fame) and micromanage every aspect of their daughter's life. No stone is left unturned in pursuing perfection, from career choices to romantic interests.

Generational Disconnect: The generation gap—a timeless source of comedy and conflict. In many cases, "Marites" tendencies toward one's daughter stem from a place of genuine concern but may be perceived as outdated or intrusive by the younger generation. It's a delicate balancing act of tradition versus modernity.

The Narcissistic, Perfectionist Mom: In many cultures, mothers are often seen as the primary caregivers and nurturers, with a deep-seated desire to see their daughters succeed. However, this well-intentioned desire can sometimes spiral into perfectionism, where mothers project their own aspirations onto their daughters. From academics to extracurricular activities, the pressure to excel can create tension and resentment if not managed with care.

Cultural Expectations: In certain cultures, ingrained expectations exist regarding women's roles and responsibilities within the family unit. Mothers may feel compelled to adhere to these societal norms and, in turn, expect their daughters to do the same. This can manifest as "Marites" behavior when mothers closely monitor and critique their daughters' adherence to these expectations, whether in appearance, behavior, or life choices.

Emotional Baggage: Let's not discount the emotional baggage often accompanying the mother-daughter relationship. Years of shared experiences, unspoken expectations, and unresolved conflicts can fuel dynamics reminiscent of a telenovela plotline. "Marites" tendencies may emerge as a coping mechanism for mothers who feel a sense of loss or unfulfilled dreams, projecting their desires onto their daughters in an attempt to live vicariously through them.

Breaking the Cycle: Breaking free from the cycle of "Marites" behavior requires introspection, communication, and a willingness to challenge entrenched beliefs. Both mothers and daughters must recognize the impact of their actions and strive for mutual respect and some degree of autonomy. Mothers and daughters can forge a relationship built on love, acceptance, and understanding by fostering open dialogue, setting healthy boundaries, and negotiating, if not embracing autonomy. I am being deliberately cautious because American therapists sometimes transgress by making a fetish of freedom and independence.

Final Thoughts

So, can a woman be "Marites" toward her own daughter? I’m told, yes. Absolutely.

But an old, white Anglo therapist would have to delve deeper into grasping the dance between how my client “Ani” relaxes when seen by her loving mother… and occasionally protesting vigorously for more freedom and autonomy.

It’s an ancient dance between mothers and daughters.

But, the Standard American Therapy trope is that, as with any relationship, it's essential to maintain boundaries, foster open communication, and approach each other with empathy and understanding… as your client from another culture muses…But what does he mean by boundaries? Do I even want them?

In the end, remember that love and laughter are the universal languages that bridge the gap between generations and cultures, whether you're a "Marites" mama, a free-spirited daughter, or somewhere in between. This stuff is essential, but it helps to be light-hearted, thoughtful, and curious.

That suits this old, white male therapist just fine.

Cultural sensitivity matters. As a therapist, it’s best to go slow and ask many questions.

And let’s try to have fun along the way.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.