I Want to Save My Marriage, But My Husband Doesn’t: Science-Backed Strategies That Work
Wednesday, February 19, 2025.
It takes two to tango… but what if your partner left the dance floor?
If you’re here, you probably feel like you're fighting for your marriage alone, and let’s be real—that’s exhausting.
Research suggests that in nearly two-thirds of divorces, one partner is the primary initiator (Amato & Previti, 2003). And that initiator is often the husband in midlife divorces and the wife in early-marriage splits (Brown & Lin, 2012).
But here’s the rub—many people who think they want out aren’t actually certain.
Studies show that up to 40% of those considering divorce later regret it (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002).
So, can you shift the tides? Can you reignite a spark when your partner has emotionally checked out?
Yes—but not in the way you think. This isn't about convincing, begging, or playing therapist.
Instead, we’ll explore the science of disengagement, how attachment styles shape marriage disconnect, neurodiverse relationship patterns, and cultural narcissism’s impact on long-term love.
And, because we’re keeping it real here—I’ll also tell you when it’s time to stop fighting and start protecting yourself.
Why Is He Pulling Away? The Disengagement Cascade: Gottman’s "Slow Exit" Theory
Dr. John Gottman, the godfather of relationship research, found that marriages rarely explode—instead, they erode over time (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
This happens in stages:
Stage 1: Less eye contact, fewer “I love yous.”
Stage 2: Emotional withdrawal, investment in work/hobbies over the marriage.
Stage 3: Stonewalling—shutting down conversations entirely.
Stage 4: Living as roommates rather than romantic partners.
Stage 5: Emotional exit (affairs, fantasy life, or divorce talk).
Contradictory research suggests that some partners temporarily withdraw to see if the marriage can reset (Stanley, Markman, & Whitton, 2002).
If your husband is in stages one through three, the marriage is still salvageable. If he’s in stages four or five, it will require outside intervention.
Attachment Styles & The Pursuer-Distancer Trap
Many struggling marriages fall into a pursuer-distancer dynamic (Johnson, 2019). If you’re here, odds are you’re the pursuer—desperate to talk, fix, and reconnect—while he’s the distancer, shutting down and retreating.
Anxious Partner’s POV: “If I can just get him to talk, I can fix this.”
Avoidant Partner’s POV: “If I say the wrong thing, she’ll get upset, so I’ll say nothing.”
On the other hand, research suggests that some avoidant partners aren’t rejecting love—they’re simply overwhelmed by emotional intensity (Tatkin, 2016).
The solution? Stop pushing and give low-pressure opportunities for reconnection.
Neurodiverse Relationships & Serial Questioning
If your husband is on the autism spectrum (or has ADHD), he may experience emotional overload differently. Research shows that:
Autistic partners often disengage from conflict to self-regulate (Attwood, 2007).
ADHD partners may hyperfocus elsewhere and struggle with emotional recall (Barkley, 2015).
Neurodiverse folks can experience "serial questioning" as interrogation, leading to further shutdown (Hendrickx, 2010).
Contradictory research suggests that some neurodiverse couples report higher long-term marital satisfaction when communication tools are tailored to neurotype differences (De Crescenzo et al., 2021).
The solution? Shift from direct confrontation to scheduled, structured check-ins (e.g., “Let’s talk about us every Sunday at 5 p.m.”).
What Actually Works (And What Doesn’t)
Strategies That Work
Stop Over-Pursuing: Give him emotional space while maintaining self-respect.
Mirror his Pace: If he texts you once a day, don’t send paragraphs in return.
Make Requests, Not Demands: Instead of “We need to talk now,” try “Can we check in tomorrow?”
Use the 5:1 Ratio: Gottman found that happy couples have five positive interactions for every one negative—start injecting small positive moments.
What Will Push Him Further Away
Over-explaining or pressuring him to “work on it” every day.
Ultimatums too early in the process (unless it’s a crisis situation).
Monitoring his phone, emails, or behavior obsessively.
Begging, pleading, or guilt-tripping.
When to Keep Fighting vs. When to Walk Away
Signs It’s Worth Fighting For:
He shows small engagement signs (texts, responds, agrees to talk).
He isn’t fully closed off—he just seems lost.
He agrees to counseling, even if reluctantly.
Signs It Might Be Over:
He refuses any form of communication.
He has emotionally invested elsewhere (affair, new social life, secret plans).
You are the only one fighting.
Contradictory research suggests that some partners "check out" for a period but later return when they emotionally regulate (Doss et al., 2015).
Final Thoughts: Can You Save Your Marriage Alone?
Here’s the truth: You can’t single-handedly fix a marriage, but you can shift the dynamic, protect your self-worth, and create opportunities for reconnection.
Best-case scenario: He re-engages, and you rebuild.
Worst-case scenario: You leave an emotionally detached partner and reclaim your autonomy.
Either way, you win.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People's reasons for divorcing. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602-626.
Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment. Guilford Press.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.
Tatkin, S. (2016). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain can help you defuse conflict. New Harbinger.