Exploring hobbies vs. special interests: a discussion of neurotypical and neurodiverse differences…
Monday, October 9, 2023. This one is for my new client, JC.
In my last post, I promised to explain the difference between a neurotypical notion of a “hobby” as compared to what we call a neurodiverse “special interest.”
Understanding and appreciating each other's special interests and hobbies can be a cornerstone of building a strong and harmonious partnership for neurodiverse couples.
However, when it comes to neurotypical and neurodiverse couples, the dynamics surrounding hobbies and special interests can be quite distinct, typically with neurodiverse husbands.
In this blog post, I’ll explore the differences between a hobby for a neurotypical spouse, and a special interest for a neurodiverse spouse. Hopefully, I’ll also shed some light on how these distinctions can shape a relationship's dynamics, and provide opportunities for growth and connection.
Hobbies: a typical pursuit
For many neurotypical individuals, hobbies are a delightful way to unwind, learn something new, or simply enjoy some quality "me time."
Hobbies can vary widely, from gardening and reading to painting or playing a musical instrument. Here are some key aspects of hobbies:
Variety: Neurotypical spouses tend to have a range of interests and hobbies that they dip in and out of over time. If openness is a feature of their personality, They might occasionally explore new hobbies based on personal interests, trends, or just getting bored and wanting to try something new.
Flexibility: Hobbies are often flexible, allowing neurotypical individuals to engage in them on their own schedule. They normally think of hobbies as activities they can take or leave, choosing when, and how often they want to pursue their hobby.
Social Aspect: While hobbies can certainly be enjoyed solo, neurotypical humans often see them as opportunities to socialize. They might join clubs, take classes, or participate in other in-person, and online group activities related to their hobbies.
Stress Relief: As I mentioned in my previous post, hobbies often serve as a means of relaxation and stress relief, offering a break from the demands of daily life.
Special interests: the neurodiverse passion
For neurodiverse humans, however, special interests play a unique and significant role in their lives.
Special interests can be described as inordinately intense and focused pursuits that bring immense joy and satisfaction. Here are the defining features of special interests:
Intensity and Depth: Unlike hobbies, special interests are characterized by their intensity and depth. A neurodiverse spouse with a special interest may immerse themselves in a single subject or activity for extended periods. There is often a time squeeze between the regulating and soothing effect of the special interest, versus the activating and arousing nature of the alternative…intimate partner interaction.
Durability: Special interests often persist over time, sometimes lasting for years or even a lifetime. Neurodiverse individuals find enduring fascination and fulfillment in their chosen pursuits.
Rigidity: Special interests can be inflexible, meaning that the neurodiverse spouse may prioritize their special interest over other activities, sometimes to the exclusion of all else. This is the essential field of battle in neurodiverse relationships.
Emotional Connection: Special interests can be deeply emotionally meaningful for neurodiverse humans. They may provide a sense of purpose, identity, and happiness. Unlike neurotypicals, the neurodiverse can become comfortably absorbed by their special interest, and they may feel less need for interrupting that feeling with human interaction.
The problem is that neurotypical spouses often resign themselves to a life of existential loneliness because of a persistent failure to communicate. I can help with that.
Navigating differences
Living with a neurodiverse partner can come with its own set of challenges, especially when a special interest becomes all-consuming. Hopefully, we can explore the complexities of maintaining a healthy family life when a neurodiverse husband's special interest takes him away from his family.
We'll also delve into the research on neurodiversity, the impact of special interests on relationships, and strategies for finding a harmonious balance between individual passions and family commitments.
What is neurodiversity?
Neurodiversity is a concept that acknowledges the natural diversity of neurological conditions among individuals. It encompasses conditions such as what used to be called high-functioning Asperger’s (ASD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), dyslexia, and more.
The key idea is that neurodiverse humans may have unique ways of thinking, processing information, and experiencing the world around them.
Research by Professor Simon Baron-Cohen and his colleagues at the Autism Research Centre (ARC) in beloved Cambridge emphasizes the importance of recognizing and embracing neurodiversity. They argue that society should move beyond viewing neurodiversity as a collection of deficits to recognizing the strengths and talents that often accompany these conditions.
However, it's essential to recognize that the unique traits associated with neurodiversity can pose challenges in relationships, particularly when a special interest takes center stage.
What is a special interest?
A special interest is an intense, focused passion that neurodiverse individuals may develop. While special interests can be a source of joy, creativity, and personal fulfillment, they can also be all-consuming, sometimes to the detriment of other aspects of life.
Research conducted by Dr. Tony Attwood, a renowned expert on neurodiversity, highlights the significance of special interests in the lives of neurodiverse humans.
He suggests that these intense interests can provide a sense of identity and purpose and may even lead to exceptional achievements when channeled constructively.
However, when special interests become all-encompassing, they can strain relationships, particularly within families. This is where the challenge arises for neurodiverse husbands and their families.
The impact on family life
When a neurodiverse husband's special interest takes precedence over family life, it can have several consequences:
Neglected Relationships: The time and attention dedicated to the special interest may lead to neglect of familial bonds. Partners and children may feel isolated and undervalued.
Imbalanced Responsibilities: In cases where the husband's special interest consumes most of his time, the partner may bear the brunt of household and childcare responsibilities, leading to feelings of unfairness and resentment.
Communication Breakdown: Misunderstandings and frustration can arise when communication becomes limited to the special interest, making it challenging to connect on a deeper emotional level.
Financial Strain: Special interests can be costly, both in terms of time and money, which may strain family finances.
Lack of Shared Activities: A family that doesn't engage in shared activities may miss out on the benefits of quality time together, leading to feelings of detachment. I’ve seen a number of families that self identified as the mother and the children, with the neurodiverse dad on the outside, but not even looking in…
Strategies for finding balance…
While it's important to respect and support a neurodiverse husband's special interest, finding a balance that meets the needs of both the individual and the family is crucial. Here are some strategies that can help:
Understanding and respecting the differences between hobbies and special interests is crucial for maintaining a healthy and supportive intimate relationship. Here are some strategies for neurotypical and neurodiverse spouses to navigate these distinctions:
Open Communication: Communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. Neurotypical spouses should actively listen and express empathy for their neurodiverse partner's special interest. Especially understanding that the soothing and regulating effect of hobbies is magnified in special interests.
In turn, neurotypical spouses should plant their feet and communicate in a concrete AF way their need for focused engagement and quality time with their neurotypical (NT) partner.
Compromise: Allocate specific times for family activities and outings to maintain a strong sense of togetherness. Finding a balance between special interests and hobbies is essential. Both partners can compromise by dedicating time to each other's interests and planning activities that accommodate both needs. The happiest neurodiverse couples plan their “me-time” with care so that their spouse does not feel neglected, but they also monitor the duration and quality of family time with the kiddos.
Boundaries: Work together to set boundaries around the time and resources dedicated to the special interest. This can help ensure that family life remains a priority.
Setting healthy boundaries is vital. Neurotypical spouses might not be able to establish boundaries around the intensity of their neurodiverse partner's special interest, but they sure as hell can weigh in the the duration. It’s up to both partners to ensure that it doesn't negatively impact the relationship or daily responsibilities. I can help with that.
Encourage Diversification: Encourage your partner to explore other interests and hobbies that allow for a more balanced life.
Mutual Support: Couples should provide mutual support for each other's pursuits. Neurotypical partners can offer encouragement, participate in their partner's special interest when possible, and respect their need for time and space. Neurodiverse partners can reciprocate by actively engaging in shared hobbies and acknowledging the importance of their neurotypical partner's need for curiosity and face time.
A Well-Trained Therapist: Consider seeking the assistance of a therapist or counselor who can help navigate the challenges and provide coping strategies for both partners. Make sure they have the appropriate training, or it might be a sh*t show.
Reach out to support groups and therapists who specialize in neurodiversity to gain insight and guidance on managing family dynamics.
Final thoughts on hobbies and special interests…
Living with a neurodiverse husband who has a consuming special interest can be challenging, but it is not insurmountable.
Understanding and respecting neurodiversity while finding a balance that meets the needs of the individual and the family is essential.
By fostering open communication, setting boundaries, and seeking support when needed, it is possible to maintain a loving and fulfilling family life while honoring your husband's unique passions.
As society continues to embrace neurodiversity, it is our responsibility as a community of practice to ensure that individuals with special interests are supported in ways that allow them to thrive without sacrificing their relationships with their loved ones. In other words, get trained.
In a neurotypical and neurodiverse relationship, the distinction between hobbies and special interests may present unique challenges, but it also offers opportunities for growth, understanding, and connection.
Embracing these differences with empathy, communication, and compromise can lead to a deeper and more fulfilling partnership, where both individuals can thrive in their own unique ways while supporting each other's passions. It can be done. But, you gotta work at it.
Ultimately, it's a journey of love and acceptance that can strengthen the bond between intimate partners with different brains, and make their relationship more resilient and harmonious.
Managing special interests, with a better outcome in mind is possible. What’s preventing you from learning how?
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Baron-Cohen, S., & Happé, F. (2017). Neurodiversity – a revolutionary concept for autism and psychiatry. The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 58(6), 744-747.
Attwood, T. (2003). Frameworks for behavioral interventions. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 12(1), 65-86.
