Couple Identity in a Post-COVID World: Rebuilding Connection After Isolation and Change
Saturday, October 12, 2024.
The COVID-19 pandemic profoundly impacted all aspects of life, but perhaps nowhere more intimately than within romantic relationships.
Couples around the world found themselves navigating uncharted waters—managing extended isolation, increased stress, and often dramatic changes in their daily routines.
For many, the pandemic created a sense of disconnection or confusion about their roles within the relationship. As we move forward, it’s essential for couples to redefine their sense of identity and rebuild their connection.
Let’s explore how couples can heal and grow together in a post-pandemic world, relying on expert insights and social science research to offer practical strategies for moving forward.
The Impact of the Pandemic on Couples’ Identity
The pandemic led to unprecedented shifts in how couples functioned day-to-day.
For some, constant togetherness led to relationship fatigue, while others struggled with physical separation due to quarantine or work-related travel restrictions.
Studies show that during COVID-19, many couples experienced a strain on communication, increased conflict, and even emotional withdrawal (Williamson, 2020). These challenges, if left unaddressed, can erode the shared sense of identity that forms the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Couples often define their identity through shared experiences—weekend outings, travel, dinners with friends—rituals that were disrupted by the pandemic.
Research published by The American Psychological Association (APA) suggests that couples who had limited outlets for external social engagement during COVID-19 were more likely to experience declines in relationship satisfaction (Pietromonaco & Overall, 2021).
Understanding Couple Identity: What Is It?
Couple identity refers to the shared sense of “we” that partners develop over time. It is built through shared values, goals, routines, and mutual support. A strong couple identity helps partners navigate external stressors together, reinforcing the sense of being a team.
Post-pandemic, many couples are struggling with an identity crisis. They are now trying to piece together a new version of “us” that fits with the changes that occurred during isolation, including shifts in work-life balance, mental health challenges, and altered social lives.
Dr. John Gottman’s research on relationships emphasizes the importance of rituals of connection and turning toward each other in times of stress (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Without these rituals, couples can feel emotionally distant, which makes re-establishing their identity a critical step for long-term relationship success.
Rebuilding Couple Identity: Practical Steps for Moving Forward
Acknowledge What Has Changed
One of the first steps in rebuilding couple identity is to openly discuss how the pandemic changed both partners individually and as a couple. Honest conversations about feelings of loss, fear, and stress are essential for moving forward.
Research by Pietromonaco and Overall (2021) points out that couples who communicate openly about stressors report higher satisfaction and resilience post-pandemic.
Reintroduce Pre-Pandemic Rituals
Couples should identify which pre-pandemic rituals helped them feel connected and work to reintroduce or modify these practices. Whether it's resuming date nights or starting new shared hobbies, these activities help rebuild the emotional fabric of the relationship.
According to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, rituals of connection provide emotional safety and closeness, essential for a strong bond (Johnson, 2008).
Cultivate New Shared Experiences
The pandemic created opportunities for couples to rethink what brings them joy and connection. Whether it's starting a weekly walk or cooking together, intentionally crafting new experiences helps create fresh meaning in the relationship.
Bodenmann’s (2010) research on stress and couples shows that working together to create positive experiences strengthens bonds and creates a buffer against future stressors.
Invest in Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is crucial in rebuilding a strong couple identity. Couples should practice mindful listening, share their vulnerabilities, and prioritize deep emotional conversations.
Research by Laurenceau, Rivera, Schaffer, and Pietromonaco (2004) shows that emotional intimacy is a key predictor of relationship satisfaction and resilience during stress.
Redefine Roles and Responsibilities
The pandemic blurred the lines between work, home, and leisure for many couples. As partners return to more regular routines, renegotiating household roles, responsibilities, and expectations can help restore balance.
A study by Carlson et al. (2020) found that couples who successfully adapted to new roles during the pandemic reported higher marital satisfaction.
Restoring Trust After Pandemic Tensions
For some couples, the pressures of COVID-19 may have led to a breakdown in trust or increased tension. Addressing these rifts is crucial for rebuilding a sense of unity.
Gottman’s Sound Relationship House theory emphasizes the need to focus on trust-building behaviors, such as being emotionally attuned and responsive to each other’s needs (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
Post-Pandemic Identity as an Opportunity for Growth
While the pandemic may have disrupted many aspects of relationship identity, it also offers couples a unique opportunity to grow together. There are lessons to be learned, so that couples can create a stronger, more resilient partnership.
The key is to approach this transition with curiosity and compassion, allowing space for each partner to reflect on their individual growth while nurturing the connection that binds them together.
Research shows that couples who view challenges as opportunities for growth tend to have more fulfilling relationships.
Finkel et al. (2017) found that couples who approach their relationship with a growth mindset—viewing obstacles as chances to strengthen their bond—report higher satisfaction over time.
Creating a New “Us”
Rebuilding couple identity in a post-COVID world is about more than returning to the way things were.
Emotional intimacy, shared experiences, and open communication can help redefine your relationship in ways that foster resilience and deeper connection.
As we move into the future, the ability to adapt and grow together will remain a hallmark of strong, healthy relationships.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bodenmann, G. (2010). Dyadic coping and its significance for marital functioning. In K. Hahlweg, M. Grawe, & D. Baucom (Eds.), Couple Therapy in the 21st Century. Cambridge University Press.
Carlson, D. L., Petts, R., & Pepin, J. R. (2020). Changes in Parents' Domestic Labor During the COVID-19 Pandemic. Socius: Sociological Research for a Dynamic World, 6.
Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2017). The Suffocation of Marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow Without Enough Oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 28(1), 1-41.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
Laurenceau, J. P., Rivera, L. M., Schaffer, A. R., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (2004). Intimacy as an Interpersonal Process: The Importance of Self-Disclosure, Partner Disclosure, and Perceived Partner Responsiveness in Interpersonal Exchanges. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86(5), 857–871.
Pietromonaco, P. R., & Overall, N. C. (2021). Applying relationship science to evaluate how the COVID-19 pandemic may impact couples’ relationships. American Psychologist, 76(3), 438-450.
Williamson, H. C. (2020). Early effects of the COVID-19 pandemic on relationship satisfaction and attributions. Psychological Science, 31(12), 1479-1487.