Can This Marriage Be Saved? A Cultural History

Tuesday, October 15, 2024.

The question “Can this marriage be saved?” has echoed in countless households over the decades.

It’s a question that touches on the hopes, fears, and emotional struggles of couples trying to hold their relationship together.

But what does it really mean today?

How has the meaning of this phrase evolved, and how does it apply to modern marriages in an ever-changing world?

The Origins of “Can This Marriage Be Saved?”

The phrase “Can this marriage be saved?” originated as the title of a popular advice column in Ladies' Home Journal in the 1950s.

It featured real-life marital challenges, followed by expert opinions on how to resolve these issues. At the time, the idea of saving a marriage at all costs reflected the cultural values of post-war America—commitment, stability, and the preservation of the nuclear family.

Divorce was seen as a failure, often carrying a heavy social stigma, and the column became a beacon of hope for couples striving to avoid that outcome.

In this era, marriage was about endurance.

Couples were expected to weather the storm, often prioritizing societal expectations and family unity over personal happiness. The question “Can this marriage be saved?” wasn’t just about resolving conflict—it was about fulfilling a duty to preserve the institution of marriage, regardless of personal cost.

Cultural Shifts: From Survival to Fulfillment

As society shifted, so did the meaning of this question.

The rise of the feminist movement in the 1960s and 70s, along with changes in divorce laws, sparked a shift in how marriage was viewed.

Women, who had historically borne the brunt of marital dissatisfaction in silence, began to see leaving a bad marriage as an option.

The question then evolved: Should this marriage be saved?

In modern times, the phrase “Can this marriage be saved?” reflects more than just the desire to stay together—it encompasses the need for emotional, mental, and personal fulfillment within the relationship.

We’ve moved from the idea that a marriage should be saved no matter what to a perspective that values personal growth and well-being.

Social science research supports this shift, revealing that healthy marriages are built on mutual respect, emotional connection, and shared values.

According to the Gottman Institute, emotional disengagement and negative interaction patterns, such as contempt and defensiveness, are strong predictors of divorce. Successful marriages today are less about endurance and more about creating fulfilling, balanced partnerships.

Relationship Therapy: A Modern Tool for Marital Repair

In the modern world, couples facing difficulties increasingly turn to relationship therapy as a way to address their issues. Unlike the 1950s, where saving the marriage was often seen as the ultimate goal, today’s therapy focuses on the well-being of both partners.

Relationship experts like Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasize the importance of emotional bonds in repairing and maintaining a healthy marriage. The focus has shifted from simply staying together to fostering connection and security.

Research shows that couples who engage in therapy are more likely to improve their communication skills, resolve conflicts, and rebuild trust.

Therapy can be particularly effective in addressing modern relationship challenges, such as digital infidelity, emotional disconnection, and the pressures of work-life balance.

According to a study by Tackett and DeBoeck (2016), the rise of social media has created new forms of betrayal in relationships, making the question “Can this marriage be saved?” more complex in the digital age.

In today’s relationship counseling, “Can this marriage be saved?” is often about creating a new dynamic rather than restoring the old one. It’s not just about whether the marriage can survive, but whether it can evolve into a partnership that meets both partners' emotional and psychological needs.

The Impact of Cultural Expectations on Marriage

Cultural shifts have had a profound impact on what it means to ask if a marriage can be saved. In the 21st century, the challenges couples face have changed dramatically. Issues like work-related stress, mental health challenges, neurodiversity, and unequal emotional labor have all added new layers to marital struggles.

For instance, research on emotional labor and the “invisible load” reveals that many women, even in egalitarian marriages, still carry the brunt of household and emotional responsibilities.

This imbalance can lead to burnout, resentment, and emotional disconnection. As couples navigate these pressures, the question becomes less about whether they can avoid divorce and more about whether they can find a way to share the load and foster mutual support.

Another modern issue is the growing awareness of neurodiverse relationships, where one or both partners may have ADHD, autism, or other neurological differences.

These relationships require extra effort in communication and understanding, often leading couples to seek help in answering “Can this marriage be saved?” from the lens of how they can better support one another's unique needs.

Emotional Fulfillment: A New Priority

One of the biggest shifts in how we approach “Can this marriage be saved?” is the emphasis on emotional fulfillment. In the past, marriage was often seen as a practical arrangement, necessary for financial security, social status, and raising children. Today, marriage is expected to provide emotional support, personal growth, and even spiritual connection.

This change in expectations has raised the bar for what makes a marriage worth saving.

Couples no longer ask only if they can avoid divorce but if they can thrive together. As relationship expert Esther Perel notes, modern relationships require both partners to feel emotionally satisfied. For many, saving a marriage now means building a relationship that promotes individual growth while still functioning as a supportive partnership.

Modern Challenges: Infidelity, Communication, and Digital Disruption

Infidelity is another area where the question “Can this marriage be saved?” has taken on new dimensions.

With the rise of social media and digital communication, emotional and physical affairs have become easier to initiate but harder to detect.

Research from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) reports that 25% of married partners will engage in infidelity at some point, and a growing percentage of these affairs are conducted online. Couples facing digital betrayal often find themselves asking whether trust can be rebuilt after such a profound rupture.

Communication breakdowns are also a leading cause of marital dissatisfaction.

Poor communication can erode emotional intimacy and leave partners feeling disconnected.

This is where science-based couples therapy can be invaluable. Many therapists use techniques like the soft start-up, which emphasizes emotional regulation and mindfulness in communication, to help couples navigate difficult conversations without falling into blame and criticism.

So, Can This Marriage Be Saved?

The answer to “Can this marriage be saved?” is not as simple as it once was.

Today, it depends on many factors: the emotional health of both partners, their willingness to work through challenges, and the presence of destructive patterns that need to be addressed. In some cases, saving the marriage requires not just preserving the relationship but transforming it into something new and emotionally supportive.

Social science research shows that couples who actively engage in repairing their relationship through therapy and intentional effort have a higher chance of success.

Whether the issue is infidelity, emotional disconnection, or modern stressors like work-life imbalance, the question of saving a marriage is now about whether the relationship can evolve to meet both partners' emotional and psychological needs.

“Can this marriage be saved?” has evolved from a simple question about staying together into a deeper inquiry about emotional fulfillment, personal growth, and the future of the relationship. In today's world, saving a marriage isn’t just about avoiding divorce—it’s about creating a partnership that nurtures both partners.

While the cultural meaning of marriage has shifted, the desire for connection and support within a relationship remains a human constant.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

Johnson, S. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge.

Tackett, J. L., & DeBoeck, P. (2016). "Infidelity in the Digital Age: Research, Trends, and Implications." Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 42(4), 563–576.

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (2018). "Infidelity and the Modern Marriage." Journal of Family Therapy and Psychology, 24(3), 255-270.