A curated list of books on narcissism and divorce

Monday, July 8, 2024.

Divorce is never easy, but throw a narcissist into the mix, and it's like trying to navigate a minefield while blindfolded.

Whether you're contemplating divorce, already in the thick of it, or still reeling from the aftermath, understanding the narcissistic dynamics at play is crucial.

As a science-based couples therapist, I’ve curated a list of must-read books on narcissism and divorce to help you navigate this challenging journey with some humor and a lot of practical advice.

1. "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

This book is a godsend for anyone facing the double whammy of divorce and a partner with a personality disorder.

Eddy and Kreger offer a clear, step-by-step approach to managing the chaos and protecting your sanity. They delve into the psychological tactics narcissists often use during divorce proceedings, such as manipulation and gaslighting, and provide effective communication strategies to counteract these behaviors. The legal tips are particularly invaluable, offering insights into how to prepare for court appearances and safeguard your rights.

2. "Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family" by Karyl McBride

McBride’s compassionate yet no-nonsense guide provides a roadmap for those dealing with the fallout of divorcing a narcissist. She explores the deep emotional wounds inflicted by narcissistic partners and offers practical advice on protecting yourself and your children.

McBride emphasizes the importance of establishing boundaries and developing a strong support system to mitigate the psychological warfare that often accompanies these divorces. Her insights into co-parenting with a narcissist are particularly helpful, offering strategies to shield your children from emotional harm.

3. "Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom's Battle" by Tina Swithin

In this riveting memoir, Tina Swithin recounts her personal journey through a high-conflict divorce with a narcissist. Her story is both harrowing and inspiring, providing invaluable insights and practical tips for others in similar situations.

Swithin offers a candid look at the emotional and legal challenges she faced, including dealing with false allegations and smear campaigns. She also provides resources and strategies for navigating the legal system, emphasizing the importance of documentation and a strong legal team.

4. "The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me Age" by Joseph Burgo

Burgo’s book is not specifically about divorce, but it’s an essential read for understanding the narcissists you might encounter in life, including the one you might be divorcing. He categorizes different types of narcissists and offers practical advice on how to deal with each type.

Burgo’s insights into the underlying motivations and insecurities of narcissists can help you better anticipate and counteract their behaviors during divorce proceedings. His emphasis on self-protection and maintaining emotional distance is particularly valuable.

5. "Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal" by Vikki Stark

Stark’s book focuses on the shock and trauma of being suddenly abandoned by a narcissistic spouse. She provides a recovery roadmap that includes personal stories, professional advice, and actionable steps to help you rebuild your life.

Stark explores the psychological impact of sudden abandonment and offers strategies for coping with the emotional aftermath. Her emphasis on self-care and rebuilding self-esteem is crucial for those looking to move forward and find closure.

6. "Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself" by Shahida Arabi

Arabi’s empowering guide is a must-read for those looking to break free from the clutches of a narcissist. She offers strategies for emotionally detaching and rebuilding your self-esteem, crucial steps in the aftermath of a narcissistic relationship.

Arabi’s focus on reclaiming personal power and developing a strong sense of self-worth is essential for those recovering from the emotional abuse often inflicted by narcissistic partners. Her practical advice on setting boundaries and seeking support is both empowering and actionable.

7. "Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed" by Wendy T. Behary

Behary combines empathy and practicality in this guide, providing tools to help you manage interactions with a narcissist. While it’s not solely focused on divorce, the strategies she outlines are invaluable for anyone dealing with a narcissistic ex.

Behary’s emphasis on understanding the narcissist’s vulnerabilities and using this knowledge to navigate interactions can help you maintain your sanity and protect yourself emotionally. Her practical tips on setting boundaries and managing conflict are particularly useful.

Thought Leaders and Resources

For deeper dives into narcissism and its impact on relationships, consider exploring works by thought leaders like Dr. Craig Malkin, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, and Dr. Sam Vaknin. Their research and insights offer a wealth of knowledge on dealing with narcissists in various contexts, including divorce.

Dr. Craig Malkin - Author of "Rethinking Narcissism"
Dr. Ramani Durvasula - Expert in narcissistic personality disorder
Dr. Sam Vaknin - Narcissism researcher, author, and self-diagnosed narcissist.

Final Thoughts

Navigating a divorce from a narcissist is like trying to play chess with someone who thinks they’re the king of the board (and often the queen, rook, bishop, and knight, too).

Equip yourself with the right knowledge and strategies to protect your mental health and emerge stronger. Remember, these books are not just lifelines; they’re your survival manuals in the unpredictable world of narcissistic divorce.

By immersing yourself in these insightful reads and leaning on the wisdom of established experts, you'll be better prepared to handle the twists and turns of divorcing a narcissist. If you’ve read this far, maybe I can help as well.

And who knows, you might even find yourself laughing a little along the way – because if there’s one thing we therapists know, it’s that a sense of humor and community can be powerful tools in the face of adversity.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.