6 Autism Love Languages

Monday, October28, 2024.

Autism love languages?

Absolutely.

We’ve all heard of the standard ones—words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and receiving gifts (Chapman, 1995).

But those are just the neuronormative aesthetic.

When it comes to love, autistic partners have developed some fantastic, customized ways to show affection.

Drawing from the research of thought leaders like Dr. Tony Attwood and Dr. Temple Grandin, let's decode these lesser-known love languages.

Info-Dumping: The Encyclopedia Lover

Who needs roses when you can get a three-hour lecture on the mating habits of penguins?

Info-dumping is the ultimate act of sharing in the neurodiverse world.

This concept was famously discussed by Dr. Tony Attwood, who explains that sharing a passion or special interest is a key social connector for many autistic partners (Attwood, 2008).

When your partner tells you every single detail about their current obsession, they’re not just nerding out—they’re letting you into their world. As Dr. Temple Grandin has noted, “When I became interested in a subject, I gave it my whole mind. And when I shared it, it was like sharing a part of myself” (Grandin, 2006).

Translation: “If I share my knowledge with you, you’re special. Also, I really hope you find this interesting.”

Unmasking: The Highest Form of Vulnerability

Unmasking is when the person you love drops the social mask they use to navigate the world.

As Dr. Devon Price, author of Unmasking Autism, highlights, masking is often a survival strategy for many neurodiverse people (Price, 2022).

But when they unmask around you—showing the little quirks they usually hide—it’s a high compliment.

It means they trust you enough to let you see who they are beneath the socially constructed façade. Dr. Stephen Shore, a notable advocate, once said, “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism” (Shore, 2003). Unmasking around you is their way of saying, "You get to see the real me."

Translation: “You make me feel safe enough to be my authentic, unfiltered self.”

Gift-Giving: The Hyper-Specific Surprise

Forget generic gifts like flowers or chocolates. If your autistic partner loves you, they’ll find the perfect, most hyper-specific thing that caters to your interests.

This love language is reminiscent of Dr. Gary Chapman’s (1995) original concepts but with a twist that reflects the deep, focused attention often seen in autistic individuals (Baron-Cohen, 2008).

These gifts aren’t about impressing you; they’re about knowing you inside out, with a level of detail that could scare a private investigator. Think of it as an extension of their dedication and attention to detail.

Translation: “I’ve thought about you so much that I know exactly what will make you smile.”

Parallel Play: The Together-Apart Time

Who says love has to mean constant eye contact and endless conversations?

For the neurodiverse, there’s a special kind of magic in just being together—but, you know, apart.

Psychologist Dr. Lorna Wing, known for coining the term "Asperger syndrome," emphasized the importance of parallel play and its role in social development for neurodiverse folks (Wing, 1981). Sitting together, each engrossed in their own thing, is a form of bonding that respects personal space while offering a comforting sense of togetherness.

Translation: “I love you enough to be completely comfortable with you while we do our own thing.”

Sexual Intimacy: The Physical Bond that Speaks Volumes

Yes, neurodiverse folks like sex, too—sometimes as a form of communication.

Dr. David Finch, author of The Journal of Best Practices, highlights that physical touch can be a way for neurodiverse partners to connect when words fail (Finch, 2012). It’s not just about physical pleasure; it's about expressing love without needing to find the "right words."

In a world where verbal cues can be a bit of a minefield, physical intimacy is where the message is crystal clear. Plus, it’s a lot more fun than discussing whose turn it is to take out the trash.

Translation: “Words are hard, but this? This I can do.”

Problem-Solving: The Fix-It Fanatic

If you're on the autism spectrum, you know there's no better way to say, "I love you" than by rolling up your sleeves and solving your partner’s problems.

This concept aligns with the research of Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen, who described how individuals on the autism spectrum often have a "systemizing" mind (Baron-Cohen, 2002).

For them, problem-solving is a way to demonstrate care and affection.

Car acting up?

You’ve already researched how to change the timing belt and found a YouTube tutorial.

Partner feeling a bit down?

You’ve devised a 14-step plan to make their day better. You’re not missing the point—you are the point.

Translation: “I care deeply about you and want to optimize every aspect of your life.”

So, What's Your Neurodiverse Love Language?

Maybe you’re more of an info-dumper, or perhaps unmasking is your sweet spot.

Either way, these love languages show that there’s no single way to express affection.

For those of us who are autistic or love someone who is, it’s about appreciating those little quirks and finding the unique ways to say, “You matter to me.”

Because, at the end of the day, love is love—whether it’s spoken through cuddles or through a deep dive into the aerodynamics of paper airplanes.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Attwood, T. (2008). The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Baron-Cohen, S. (2002). The extreme male brain theory of autism. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 6(6), 248-254.

Baron-Cohen, S. (2008). Autism and Asperger Syndrome. Cambridge University Press.

Chapman, G. (1995). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing.

Finch, D. (2012). The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband. Scribner.

Grandin, T. (2006). Thinking in Pictures: My Life with Autism. Vintage.

Price, D. (2022). Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity. Penguin Books.

Shore, S. (2003). Personal communication on autism and individual variation.

Wing, L. (1981). Asperger syndrome: a clinical account. Psychological Medicine, 11(1), 115-129.