Are you a newly cognizant neuro-diverse couple?

Thursday, January 11, 2024.

The most important undertaking with a newly cognizant neurodiverse couple is to skill-build with them to better manage the inherent difficulties they face in understanding the distinctly different ways their beloved life partner processes information…

Mind reading, which leads to Misunderstanding: It’s pretty common for neurotypical humans to rush to hasty conclusions based on narratively fluid interpretations. In neurodiverse relationships, where partners process information differently, misunderstandings may abound. One or both partners may misapprehend intentions, leading to a more escalated conflict.

Feeling Misunderstood: Differing perspectives often result in a pervasive feeling of being profoundly and utterly misunderstood. Neurotypical partners may feel their counterparts aren't putting in enough effort, while neurodivergent partners may perceive a lack of patience or difficulty in satisfying their needs.

Defensiveness or Perceived Defensiveness: Defensiveness is common in neurodiverse couples due to varying perceptions of acceptable behavior. The neurodivergent partner may find themselves constantly explaining, resulting in hypervigilance, guilt, and shame. This emotional gridlock creates an uneasy atmosphere during conflicts.

Overlooking Differences: Neurotypical partners may struggle to comprehend that their neurodivergent counterparts process information differently. Unrealistic expectations persist, assuming that neurodivergent partners should think, react, and behave like neurotypical individuals.

While all couples grapple with relationship dynamics, neurodivergent brains often face challenges in monitoring and managing emotions and behaviors.

Common Challenges for Neuro-Divergent Humans:

• Difficulty managing impulsivity

• Difficulty reading non-verbal cues

• Rejection sensitivity dysphoria

• Sensory and emotional overwhelm

• Executive functioning difficulties

• Hyper-fixation in special interests

• Low frustration tolerance

Neurodiverse relationships tend to drift apart due to deep-seated resentment stemming from a lack of mutual understanding. This is needless suffering, which is the worst kind.

Get out of the story you are already in…

To foster thriving neurodiverse relationships, it is crucial to shift focus towards understanding the differences in information processing, twice-exceptionalism, and its impact on mutual understanding. This is targeted, science-based couples therapy of the highest order.

Understand and Honor Differences: I can help you both learn how to manage the differences in how you both process information. I’m not looking just for tolerance or acceptance, once we’ve cataloged these differences; we’re aiming higher, perhaps even to honor and recruit these differences, setting realistic, skill-based expectations for change.

Make a Concrete AF Inventory: Identify shared challenges, such as interrupting, jumping to conclusions, or sensory overload. Good couples therapy will help you to Develop plans to address these issues proactively.

Work on Clear, Non-Defensive Communication: Good neurodiverse couples therapy will give you the tools for direct and clear communication during potential conflict situations. Learning tangible new skills such as softened start-ups, do-overs, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt, can make a huge difference in your relationship satisfaction, especially when powerful intellects may be involved..

Understand the Role of Sensory Issues: Recognize and communicate sensitivities related to light, sound, touch, smell, taste, and senses. Acknowledge how these affect the partner's nervous system and work towards meeting their basic needs for regulation.

Practice Time-outs: When feeling misunderstood or struggling to understand your partner, implement time-outs to regulate your nervous systems. Once you’re calmer, perhaps then we might explore different perspectives and possibilities for mutual understanding.

Final Thoughts…

If you’re just discovering that you might be in a neurodiverse relationship, you might feel overwhelmed and profoundly challenged

I can help with that. I specialize in helping neurodiverse couples and families. Let’s talk about your situation.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.