Am I the narcissist, or is he?

Daniel: Good afternoon, BetteSue. How are you feeling today?

BetteSue: (sighs) Confused, Daniel. I’ve been thinking a lot about our last session, and I'm starting to wonder, am I the narcissist, or is he?

Daniel: That's a profound question, BetteSue. What experiences have led you to ask that?

BetteSue: (sips her coffee) Well, let me start with last week. We were supposed to have dinner with my sister and her new fiancé. I was running late because of a hair appointment. Henry, my husband, waited for me, but when we finally arrived, he was sulking. He barely spoke during dinner and made these passive-aggressive comments about my lateness.

Daniel: How did that make you feel?

BetteSue: Guilty, I guess. But also frustrated. He didn’t need to make a scene. When I apologized, he just shrugged and said, “It’s fine, you’re always late anyway.”

Daniel: And how did you respond to that?

BetteSue: I told him he was overreacting and that it wasn’t a big deal. But now, I’m not so sure. He’s always doing this—making me feel like I’m the bad guy for every little thing.

Daniel: Can you give me another example?

BetteSue: Sure. About a month ago, we had tickets to a concert. I wasn’t really in the mood to go, so I suggested we stay home and watch a movie instead. He agreed, but the entire evening, he was distant and cold. Later, I found out from a mutual friend that Henry had been looking forward to that concert for months.

Daniel: How did you feel when you found out?

BetteSue: Awful. Like I had crushed his spirit. But again, he never directly said he was upset. He just went along with my suggestion and then acted like I’d ruined everything. It’s like he’s constantly holding things in, then releasing his resentment in these subtle ways.

Daniel: It sounds like Henry's behavior is more complex than just forbearance. How does this dynamic affect your perception of yourself?

BetteSue: It makes me question my own actions. Am I being selfish? Am I the narcissist in this relationship, or is he manipulating me by never expressing his own needs clearly?

Daniel: What does your intuition tell you?

BetteSue: (pauses) Honestly, I'm torn. On one hand, I recognize that I often put my own needs first. But on the other hand, his constant passive-aggressiveness and refusal to communicate openly feels manipulative. It’s like he’s punishing me in his own way, but I’m the one who gets called out for being narcissistic.

Daniel: Let’s explore that a bit more. How would you describe Henry's behavior in terms of communication?

BetteSue: Passive-aggressive. He never confronts me directly but makes these snide comments or gives me the silent treatment. It’s maddening because I never know where I stand with him. I end up feeling like I have to walk on eggshells.

Daniel: It seems like there’s a lot of unspoken tension. Have you tried discussing these feelings with Henry?

BetteSue: I’ve tried, but it’s like talking to a wall. He just smiles and says everything is fine. Or worse, he accuses me of being too sensitive or overreacting. It’s like he’s gaslighting me, making me question my own reality.

Daniel: It sounds like there are significant issues with how both of you communicate your needs and frustrations. How do you think this dynamic developed?

BetteSue: I don’t know. Maybe it’s always been this way, and I just didn’t see it. I thought his patience was a virtue, but now I wonder if it’s just a cover for deeper resentments.

Daniel: Relationships are complex, and it’s rarely about assigning blame to one person. It’s about understanding the dynamics at play. From what you've described, it sounds like there’s a lack of open communication and unmet needs on both sides. What would you like to do differently moving forward?

BetteSue: I want to have an honest conversation with Henry, but I’m afraid of what I might hear. Maybe he’s been holding things in for so long that it’ll all come out at once. Or maybe... maybe I’ll realize it’s been me all along.

Daniel: It’s courageous of you to want to have that conversation, BetteSue. Self-reflection is a critical step towards resolving these feelings. Remember, while therapy is a safe space to explore these emotions, we’re also not going to make a fetish of feelings.

So, in speaking with Henry, we might be interpreting it differently. I’ll ask him what this marriage looks like from his side of the street. I’ll also want to show you both how to be more curious than furious and speak plainly and clearly about preferences and preferred outcomes.

Together, we can develop strategies for better communication and understanding in your relationship. Tell him that you really want to understand him better but don’t know how. Ask him if he will speak with me one-on-one first so we can figure out how to get to a better place.

BetteSue: (nods) Thank you, Daniel. I’ll give it a try. I just hope I’m strong enough to hear the truth, whatever it may be.

Daniel: Once we sit with Henry. we might be hearing some resentments, BetteSue. And remember, the goal isn’t to find a villain but to foster a healthier, more understanding relationship. Be curious with Henry. He might have much to say.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.