2 Common relationship patterns that absolutely suck…
September 28, 2023.
Ten years ago, researchers conducted a survey of thousands of people in relationships. They answered whole bunch of questions about their relationship conflicts, how their fights usually went, and how they felt afterward.
Immediately, I’m impressed with the fact that they have thousands of survey responses, and the lines of inquiry are spot on for getting to the meat and tatters of their intimate lives.
First relationship pattern that sucks… Mind-reading
Clients who’ve worked with me eventually get my lecture on the dangers of mind-reading.
Humans with the hubris of expecting their life partner to read their minds are actually damaging their relationships, according to recent research.
Mind-reading occurs when there are problems in the relationship and one human disengages prematurely, and fails to communicate their displeasure to their partner.
Mind-reading most often occurs when humans are anxious about their relationship and feel neglected in the present moment… but don’t say sh*t about it.
Researchers have identified a pattern of negative communication and eventual anger with expecting your spouse to be a mind-reader.
Dr. Keith Sanford, who led the study, explained:
“You’re worried about how much your partner loves you, and that’s associated with neglect.
You feel sad, hurt and vulnerable.”
Mind-reading sucks… and Withdrawing sucks too…
Expecting your life-partner to be telepathic is one of the most toxic ways that humans tend to emotionally withdraw from an intimate a relationship.
You can see where I’m going with this. The other sucky relationship pattern that is unfortunately all too common is… withdrawing.
Dr. Sanford explained:
“It’s a defensive tactic that people use when they feel they are being attacked, and there’s a direct association between withdrawal and lower satisfaction overall with the relationship.”
Withdrawing while your partner complains, or criticizes you, is extremely common.
Dr. Sanford said the tendency to withdraw when pursued is…
“…more characteristic of unhappiness.
Just about everyone does that from time to time, but you see more of that in distressed relationships.”
Partners who psychologically withdraw from the relationship are more likely to be either disinterested, or bored with their partner.
Dr Sanford said more about why partners withdraw:
“There’s a desire to maintain autonomy, control, and distance.”
While one human pursues a strategy of making demands on the relationship (often, but not always the female), the counter part withdraws, Dr Sanford explained:
“Often, you have one person who withdraws and the other demands.
The more the one demands and complains, the more the other withdraws, and so on.
It’s an issue both of being aware of when these behaviors are occurring and of finding an alternative — a more constructive, polite approach to resolve conflict.
And at times, that’s easier said than done.”
This is why you go to couples therapy in the first place. Mind reading and withdrawing are absolutely toxic to your relationship health. I can help with that. Contact me today.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Nichols NB, Backer-Fulghum LM, Boska CR, Sanford K. Two types of disengagement during couples' conflicts: withdrawal and passive immobility. Psychol Assess. 2015 Mar;27(1):203-14. doi: 10.1037/pas0000045. Epub 2014 Nov 17. PMID: 25402447. The study was published in the journal Psychological Assessment (Nichols et al., 2014).
