What is relationship contingent self-esteem?

Wednesday, August 2, 2023.

What is relationship contingent self-esteem?

It sounds a helluva lot like what Schnarch called “other validated intimacy.” Relationship contingent self-esteem frets about outcomes, conditions, and perceived quality of a human’s romantic bond.

Now, perhaps more than in a very long time, we require a felt sense of consistency and predictability with whom we partner with. Relationship contingent self esteem (RCSE) is compatible with what David Schnarch calls "the other-validated model of intimacy" wherein one's replete sense of self is confined within the “other.” Is this another way of talking about relationship anxiety?

Why is other validated intimacy and relationship contingent self-esteem so toxic?

When humans can not predict the behavior of their best-beloved, they may panic in contemplating the annihilation of their contingent sense of self.

Because their range of self-validation is so conditional, the authenticity of their own identity is subject to an ongoing relentless critique.

Healthy attachment is more robust, and occasional inconsistency in a partner’s behavior is less likely to be challenging or threatening to the relationship.

Does that mean that too much commitment to a relationship is unwise?

I prefer not to frame the question in such a way which seems to equate “too much commitment” with “too-much self esteem.”

While relationship commitment is typically desirable among humans, excessive commitment, subject to the exhaustive threat of skeptical scrutiny is doomed to discover the insecurity that it seeks.

When your self-esteem is existentially bound up in a romantic relationship, small skirmishes can escalate into epic battles, it can result in bouts of deep anxiety and depression.

• According to research, this occurs when a human invests too much of their precious self-esteem in their current romantic attachment.

In other words, When humans believe their own self-worth is utterly defined by how satisfying their romantic relationship is, it’s both bad for the humans, and the relationship.

A study on high ‘relationship-contingent self-esteem’ (RCSE)

Professor Raymond Knee, the study’s first author, summarized:

“Individuals with high levels of RCSE are very committed to their relationships, but they also find themselves at risk to become devastated when something goes wrong — even a relatively minor event.

An overwhelming amount of the wrong kind of commitment can actually undermine a relationship.”

How the study was conducted

C. Raymon Knee from the prestigious SMaRT Lab at the University of Houston conducted the study in 2008. Nearly 200 humans, (198) kept a running track of the ups and downs of their romantic relationships in a diary for two weeks.

• Professor Knee discussed the results:

“What we found with this particular study was that people with higher levels of RCSE felt worse about themselves during negative moments in their relationships.

It’s as if it doesn’t matter why the negative occurrence happens or who was at fault.

The partners with stronger RCSE still feel badly about themselves.”

• Humans whose self-esteem is overly invested in their romantic relationship will tend to react very emotionally to experiences that are subject to a problematic frame.

Professor Knee summed it up this way:

“When something happens in a relationship, these individuals don’t separate themselves from it. They immediately feel personally connected to any negative circumstance in a relationship and become anxious, more depressed and hostile.”

RESEARCH:

Knee CR, Canevello A, Bush AL, Cook A. Relationship-contingent self-esteem and the ups and downs of romantic relationships. J Pers Soc Psycho. 2008 Sep; 95(3):608-27. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.95.3.608. PMID: 18729698. (Knee et al., 2008).